Saw a cop get forced out of local PD because of this. Almost certainly innocent.
Sometimes you just have to move on right?
- Thread starter FrancisK
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I used to have to record my ex wife.
Once you find one that road it's pretty much fucked... Pardon my French and all.... If stuffs that bad. I'd make a quiet edit plan and GTFO.
This doesn't sound like bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is characterised by extended periods of elevation followed by an even longer low period. I have a family member who suffers from this illness so have seen it up close. I would not want to guess at a cause of this behavior but it doesn't sound like Bipolar disorder. EDIT: changed BPD to bipolar disorder so as not to confuse with Borderline Personality Disorder which is often referred to by acronym BPD.
That's probably hilarious!
I was in a business school trip recently and got into it with a dumb twat liberal woman who was going on about how hard child birth was for women's bodies.
The expectation of beauty and all that stuff.
Multiple men tried to point out that the beauty of a mother for a husband totally supercedes the physical beauty of a non-pregnant woman.
She's was a 30 year old single woman who lived in the middle east.
I pointed out this was a purely academic discussion for her since ZERO men would ever put a baby in her, as she's more likely to abort it than raise it... And we all know it.
After a few people tried to get this through, I pointed out how boring this conversation was and how low IQ and selfish this woman was, then I shamed the guys for falling for the pitty party thirst trap while I mocked them and mocked her by calling her a future Spinstress with dry eggs.
It was probably fairly unChristian of me. But... Fairly well deserved for the rude crap I had to hear coming from her mouth...and I really can't stand boring people.
Who knows, maybe dropping "spinster" on her will make her think and eventually change her ways. Probably not, but at 30 it's not too late for her. My wife was around that age when our first was born.
I'm over 50 and know lots of women my age who are actual spinsters. I would never call them that to their face because it would be cruel and pointless, and of course they're well aware of their situation anyway.
It was my blunt attempt to re-enact the equivalent of the Godfather Johnny Fontaine slap scene.
Maybe not receptive but I'm fine with that. You can only lead a horse to water.
Francis I'm in the same boat as you. No matter how many times I get dumped by my girl, she always comes back and never dates other men. I think I've been dumped like 50 times. Lost track.
I like to think that the more a girl hates you, the more proof of her love. I often think, "That's it, I'm not gonna deal with this crap anymore," but she always comes back with a sweet voice and apologizes. I put up with it because she's beautiful, and I think, "Well, it doesn't really bother me that much..." But I have no idea how I could make a marriage work with her. So we remain in perpetual limbo.
I like to think that the more a girl hates you, the more proof of her love. I often think, "That's it, I'm not gonna deal with this crap anymore," but she always comes back with a sweet voice and apologizes. I put up with it because she's beautiful, and I think, "Well, it doesn't really bother me that much..." But I have no idea how I could make a marriage work with her. So we remain in perpetual limbo.
I think you're right, she loved me so much that I had to be perfect. But looking back on things now it was more like maybe she loved herself and I was what she wanted so she needed it to be perfect for herself nothing was ever going to be good enough. I'm not perfect and I never will be as much as I tried to be for her, it wore me down. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman I was completely devoted to her more than I have ever been to anyone or anything, I know that goes against much of the thinking here but this was it for me I was happy to make her happy and I always tried to do anything I can to show her my devotion and make her happy. But I was actually the one that would leave her over these blowups and I made sure she was the one to come back to me, I wouldn't go back to her. Not because I didn't want her back I was absolutely miserable without her but I stayed strong because I didn't want to reward bad behavior, I needed her to learn that it wasn't okay to behave this way with the man who has devoted everything to you.
It was like dealing with a spoiled entitled child, it didn't matter how much accumulation of good there was, there was no benefit of the doubt or understanding, as soon as she didn't get things exactly the way she wanted I was a cheater, a liar and the devil. I don't say that to insult her she isn't deserving of insults, people just are who they are she's not a bad person by any means.
She's not young and she's not an unintelligent person I figured over time she would learn that this isn't like before, she would learn that this man has devoted his entire life to her and I don't need to be upset over small things because he'll always give me what I want because he's going to stand by me forever. It just never happened, mind you the only thing I ever asked of her was to respect that she's in a committed relationship and change the way she does things and consider me in those things she does and it was always a fight to get that because in her mind everything was always positive and she was doing no wrong, all that self help garbage.
It got worse the last couple months because I was just defeated as I knew no matter what I did I was on borrowed time until the next blowup over nothing and then I would get really defensive over anything because I felt like I had to constantly protect myself from her wrath. I was starting to withdraw because it was constant anxiety over it and she noticed that and that made her just go at me harder. A lot of times she didn't realize what she was saying or doing, I used to tell her a lot "you need to think about the things you say and do" because I knew it wasn't malicious it was just that self help crap where even something bad was positive in her head, took me a while to figure that out I was confused for a long time how she thought some things were okay to say and do but in her head they were different than the reality of them. I'm not a negative person by any means but she turned me into one just because I would fall in line with her being negative towards me, then as I said before at the drop of a hat everything is positive again, it was maddening I don't function that way I need a resolution and a lesson learned not just ignore it because you want your toy back and then it happens all over again next week, nothing learned.
I love the girl I don't want to move on but I have to I really have no choice, look I'm not desperate and I'm not ashamed to say that girls fawn all over me, marriage material girls, I won't even talk about what the lower class girls do haha. The reason why this hurts is because I gave this girl all of me and it was worthless, I take nothing from it. At least with past relationships I learned lessons but here it's nothing I just wasted my time and emotions for someone who it was never going to be good enough for. There were other issues too, she's very entrenched into her life and I don't have any interest in living the way she lives but I was the one expected to come half way she couldn't come half way just because of what her life is. But I did that and it just wasn't enough, nothing was going to be enough again it was like a child that didn't get what they wanted that day it didn't matter that they got everything all the other days.
I never cheated never even thought about cheating I would never have done that to her as much as she accused me of it, I never told her "no" to anything that would make her happy even if it was something I didn't want, I never asked anything unreasonable or crazy things like I said what I asked for was to respect our relationship. The most I ever did wrong was having responsibilities that SOMETIMES I couldn't neglect for her, many times I did neglect them and that apparently was just unforgivable no matter how much logic or explanation I provided. I didn't want anyone or anything but her, again this was going to be my wife or so I thought. My wife is the queen of my earth but apparently that just wasn't good enough.
I've respectfully asked her not to contact me again and she has respected that for the most part. I'm miserable right now over her and I'm actually going through the most difficult thing I've ever faced in my life business wise and I'm kinda just on my own. But it's for the best honestly the best for both us, she needs someone different from me I don't fit into her life or how she does things as much as I tried. It will fade and I will be okay one day soon I won't care about any of this, believe me I don't need any pity you can save that for the weak I'm just venting it feels good to put this into words. Life is good and I live a great life surrounded by people enamored with me, just have to stay strong and realize I can't change it, which I have. Mind you this is my perspective, I'm sure if you spoke with her she has a completely different one so it would have never changed she proved that many times I had no choice but to let it all go as much as it didn't have to be that way and I didn't want it that way.
To quote P. Diddy : "Time to move on, time to be strong.....don't stop now straight to the top now". Sorry had to throw that in haha.
Not surprising that your marriage succeeded. As we all know for marriage to succeed you need to marry a young, virgin, non-western woman, otherwise its doomed to failure from the start.
You're on your own (always), but you are not alone in your misery over a girl. I walked out 3 years ago and I think of her every day. However, there is no way I would ever contact her again. If she contacted me and said, "Please come home," I would. But in my bones I know she has moved on and is in love with another man and rarely, if ever thinks about me. Painful stuff. But stick to your guns brother. You've done the right thing.
Most likely this is true. Your realization of this and attempts to accept it takes a lot of emotional intelligence and courage.
According to Aeschylus and Sophocles there's only 3 stories and 6 characters in all of human history. Under this theory of theatrical tragedy, all our stories are similar.
Sounds like we had a similar approach to it, she would lose her mind over nothing and no reasoning or logic would change it so I would walk out, I didn't want to reward that behavior. Treating me like garbage and constantly accusing me of things challenging my character isn't going to make me want to make you feel better and get closer to you. She always came back and I would take her back because I loved her more than anything, I thought she would learn from that and it would change but it just never did.
Thank you brother I appreciate you saying that a lot. I could get back with her today if I wanted to and I do want her back this was my woman and all I wanted but then what changes? Why would I continue to fight a losing battle? Same to yourself, it ended for a reason keep your strength and know there is always better and you deserve better.
She needs someone who doesn't care, someone who will just say "sorry" and not actually care about her or anything he does, just wants to keep it moving and using her. That will never be me, this woman was going to be wife and I was completely devoted to her as much as she wanted to believe I wasn't....I wasn't just going to pretend to not care to keep it going.
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Re-read a bunch of this thread and have a couple more questions.
Do you think she was just comfortable with you and said outrageous things like accusing you of cheating, even though she knew deep down you would never do them? Sometimes women will say things so blatantly false and not at all grounded in reality, just to see how/if we will react.
When she said this stuff to you and you tried to explain yourself, did it get resolved then or did things just spiral? Were you able to maintain frame?
My experience is that you have to maintain your frame no matter what. Whatever you do, she will mirror and amplify. If you escalate, try to explain, argue, etc. it just makes everything take longer. Still working on this, but I try to give no visible signs of being affected by whatever nonsense thing is going on, explain how it is not helping our relationship and I will come back and talk about it later when she's cooled off. What makes things worse is if I get suckered into some sort of reaction (even a justified one).
Here's a good verse that applies to this topic.
Proverbs 26:20
"For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases."
Do you think she was just comfortable with you and said outrageous things like accusing you of cheating, even though she knew deep down you would never do them? Sometimes women will say things so blatantly false and not at all grounded in reality, just to see how/if we will react.
When she said this stuff to you and you tried to explain yourself, did it get resolved then or did things just spiral? Were you able to maintain frame?
My experience is that you have to maintain your frame no matter what. Whatever you do, she will mirror and amplify. If you escalate, try to explain, argue, etc. it just makes everything take longer. Still working on this, but I try to give no visible signs of being affected by whatever nonsense thing is going on, explain how it is not helping our relationship and I will come back and talk about it later when she's cooled off. What makes things worse is if I get suckered into some sort of reaction (even a justified one).
Here's a good verse that applies to this topic.
Proverbs 26:20
"For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases."
No she freely admits to being insecure which is where a lot of this comes from, which is understandable everyone has insecurities but it wasn't just accusations of cheating. I was a liar if I showed up an hour late because of logistical circumstances, I didn't love her if I couldn't make it to her that night because I had a responsibility, I was a bad person because I had friends that did bad things so that meant I do them too. Mind you much of it was incredibly hypocritical, the things she came down on me for I could have come down on her for 10 times harder. Maybe I should have done that, that way it wouldn't have boiled over and made me start to withdraw which just made her insecurities worse.
It always started the same, I explained logically why she was wrong but she just kept digging at me and then I couldn't take it anymore and it exploded. But towards the end I was just so on edge that to be honest I was snapping at her first in like an attempt to pre-emptively defend myself. Like I said a lot of times she just doesn't understand what she is saying or doing and how it's something bad, all the self help crap on her head that poisons her thinking I guess.
You're right if I was better at keeping my cool it probably would have all went much better and I do have a temper which she was very good at bringing out of me and I hate myself for that, I don't know how much it would have changed things but there wouldn't have been huge blowups. But that being said I also feel like that would be enabling her behavior, she would have been fine with telling me all these terrible things and me just being okay with it and moving on, I am not okay with that. That is fake that is dismissive to me, I would do that with someone I don't care about not someone I want to devote the rest of my life to. A girl I didn't care about yea I would just say "sorry" and be happy she moved on, I couldn't do that with her I needed a resolution and lesson learned, a conclusion.....she was the opposite.
I don't know, there were deeper things that I would rather not get into. In the end I think we're just very different people that live very different lives and do things very differently, love isn't enough. I wish this weren't the case but I just have to accept it.
@FrancisK you have my respect for sharing this in such detail, and for addressing and considering a varied array of feedback with courage and humility. I look forward to reading about the next chapter as you move forward, step by step. I wish you all the best.
Brother that means a lot to me because I never give away this much of myself even to people I'm close to and I never show weakness....to anyone. Thank you brother for your words they made me feel better, God bless you and yours.
Praying for you brother. May God give you peace as you move forward and lead you to a better relationship
@FrancisK:
I'm not trying to be rude, but this woman sounds like a nightmare to me. Good that you had the courage/strength to cut her loose.
My last girlfriend had similar tendencies/ underlying issues and it was the most difficult thing I ever did to end that relationship. Just like you, I was sure to make her my wife but I'm so thankful that I did not. Your wife needs to be an asset and not a liability.
This breakup hurt really bad for a long time. I prayed to God to get me through this and after about 2 years the pain was gone. Stay strong.
P.S.
This blog by some lady was pretty insightful for me. Also, reading Anna Karenina by Tolstoi helped me recognize/ understand the destructive nature of such a woman.
I'm not trying to be rude, but this woman sounds like a nightmare to me. Good that you had the courage/strength to cut her loose.
My last girlfriend had similar tendencies/ underlying issues and it was the most difficult thing I ever did to end that relationship. Just like you, I was sure to make her my wife but I'm so thankful that I did not. Your wife needs to be an asset and not a liability.
This breakup hurt really bad for a long time. I prayed to God to get me through this and after about 2 years the pain was gone. Stay strong.
P.S.
This blog by some lady was pretty insightful for me. Also, reading Anna Karenina by Tolstoi helped me recognize/ understand the destructive nature of such a woman.