It is sad to see the infighting here, especially since we are a relatively small group. I might as well
repost this here as a recap of some thoughts on the topic, as escalating disagreements seem to be an ongoing issue on any online platform. There is a TLDR summary at the end.
Me when the CIK bros fight
Background
This post is not directed at any particular person, it's moreso a reflection of some concern about the infighting. As we have a relatively small base of core contributors, I hope we don't lose valuable present and future CIK members due to this.
The factors at play
I hope members can at least consider that we have and/or could have many things in common, otherwise we would not be involved here. Sometimes our differences in opinions rather than our commonalities get amplified, which exacerbates online grievances, even if people in real life would actually get along. I know this for a fact because I've scratched my head reading other's posts and had negative pictures of them in my mind. Yet when we
met we actually got along fine.
This phenomenon of internet bickering is amplified by a few things such as the in-built negativity bias of humans; the anonymous, easy, and consequence-free nature of posting online; the tendency of conservatives to have stronger values of purity; and the willingness of 'lone wolf' men to disagree based on internal principles or simply, enjoyment.
Everyone has a fundamental need to be right. We all have a need to hold our worldview as stable, and congruent with our values and actions. Also, when people confront our attitudes or beliefs, our natural instinct is to resist and push back. So, insulting others will
never work if one's goal is to share information and arguments that change minds.
My culpability
I recognise my own guilt here. I've had to mentally stop myself countless times from posting sarcastic GIFs, snarky one liner insults, or even "here is my 2,000 word essay for why you are wrong and I am right". I recognise that my pride often stems from a need to be smart. I have found
relief in taking a breath, mentally reciting a phrase like "not my problem", and moving on.
Personally, I've concluded that except for the people whose wellbeing/behaviour impacts me
directly AND for those within my direct sphere of
influence (i.e., wife/kids/family), there is no real necessity for me to "teach" anyone. I feel a keen sense of meaning when helping out friends and colleagues, but try to only give advice when it is explicitly requested, or at least when I know I'm in a good position to confidently help through experience, skills, support etc. YMMV.
Some ideas
Considering the above, we may benefit from taking a conscious approach in online communication, as the rules of synchronised real-life conversation don't apply.
I would suggest that if a particular person is not interested in your position, consider adjusting your way of communicating, or move on to engaging someone or something else. If someone isn't "listening" to you after say 2 attempts (or 3 or more!), it is probably time to
try a new approach or
let it go. Skipping over certain threads or posts is a great way to stay engaged elsewhere.
Another approach could be to
use humour and try to reduce the seriousness. This light-hearted approach is my preferred choice these days. Although there is a
risk that others won't get the playful intent and/or don't get the joke, and may feel alienated.
Additionally, consider holding off or reframing the direct "you should do this" kind of advice
unless someone explicitly asks for it. Keep in mind that even when people ASK for advice, they often do not want to consider it, let alone DO anything with it. This could be because they just want emotional/social support not problem-solving; they only want ideas that are aligned with their existing worldview; they are contemplating change but not ready to take first steps in changing behaviours, etc.
(For outright trolls or bad actors I'd just hit the report button and/or have some fun with it.)
️ TLDR - issues and solutions ️
- We have a lot in common however online chats can amplify differences.
- This conflict is par for course based on human nature including our need to be right and defend our beliefs.
- Some potential answers include options like:
- reflecting on commonalities over differences.
- remembering we can't insult anyone to change their mind.
- if someone is not hearing you, considering changing your communication, or simply move on. Letting things go is mentally freeing.
- if you know a certain topic/poster irritates you, trying to avoid them, hit 'ignore', or quickly scroll on.
- using humour and playfulness as an alternative approach.
I hope this helps.
