A difficult decision to make...

[Steady Hands]

One lesson to carry over from the pick-up days is the realization that you should never depend on a woman for your well being. That has to be based on a solid foundation which is The Church, the faith, your work, your discipline, your drive. A woman is a subscriber of the result of that. You only set yourself up for failure chasing a manic pixie dream girl.

I agree with this. It's a solid guiding principle to help inform all big decisions with women.

When to Commit?

@Tippy What I will add about the topic of moving locations for a woman is the following:

I believe that the ONLY reason a man should make a considerable sacrifice for a woman by moving long distances to provide commitment is when she is undoubtedly marriage material AND you plan to have children together AND there are other, very clear advantages of making this sacrifice (e.g., better career to provide for your future family, easier logistics for family life such as being close to her parents to help with raising kids, etc).

I cannot see any statement from you along the lines of "I love her, want to be with her forever, and have a family together". This leads to me conclude that the effort involved to make this relationship function is not going to benefit you overall.

Value and Power in Relationships

On that note, I've discussed the process of power distribution and change over the course of a relationship here, under the sub-heading "The Standard Process":

Post in thread 'Marriage / Established Relationships'

Dec 16, 2023

Continued from here:

https://christisking.cc/threads/the...er-enlightenment-thread.536/page-2#post-13779

...There are a lot of brow beaten, henpecked Christian husbands whose wives treat them this way, even though the wives actually desire to be good loving wives out of devotion to God. They just can't tolerate their husband's failure to act like a man in the way woman are hardwired to want. These men need the red pill.

^ This is absolutely critical for men to know...

• Steady Hands

• 
• 
• 

Tippy, I recommend you review this post and the resources within it, at your convenience.

In almost all cases, it is against the interest of the man to be chasing women for commitment. In general, women gain value from commitment, while men take on acceptable  loss. See here for discussion:



Taking risks is essential for men to succeed. And getting married is a risk. But the reward of a family and a loving union under God can make it worthwhile. So, unless a woman is willing to give you children and a loving home environment, there are, at best, very few valid reasons to place all your chips on the table.

With that in mind, I think it's time to move on, gain more abundance with women, develop healthy habits such as involvement in group sports, start building other aspects of your life that give you meaning, etc. Myself and others have discussed many of these suggested actions moving forward.

On Feedback

I trust you will not get disheartened by the tough approach shown here. Remember - it is par for course online. Few men will recognise sharing problems or failures as a strength because it is associated with self-pity and many feminine traits. I think your post does show courage however, as you are revealing things that are not easy to share. I hope others feel likewise free to reveal personal experiences here as a way to seek feedback.

Try your best not to take any "harsh" post personally, and think about it as information which you can consider. No need to defend yourself here by going on the offensive. Between the challenging rhetoric is some gold advice. This is a great opportunity to grow and start the next chapter in your life.

Forum Tip

Last, we have exchanged some productive dialogue in a previous thread of yours here:

Post in thread 'Relationship advice'

Dec 6, 2023

@Tippy

Credit to you for sharing all this in detail. It takes a level of strength and self-awareness given the context of this forum. I also hope the process of writing has been helpful for you in giving clarity to your thoughts.

This situation, like many, is very complex and cannot be understood or resolved in a few short words, and there is a huge amount of information missing (e.g., your and her life history). With that in mind, I've read over this thread in full with the hope to draw out some key questions or issues to consider.

I'll be unable to offer further guidance in...

• Steady Hands

• 

I suggest you keep all related posts in one single thread to improve the efficiency of your writing and the responses. This will aid reader comprehension of your situation, so they have more information to consider when responding to you.

All the best.

This actually isn’t a difficult decision to make. You’re not going to move to Albania for this woman.

The difficult part is going to be figuring out how to get yourself out of the situation you have found yourself in.

To back up, there are a number of obvious reasons why you’re not going to go to Albania, many of which other posters have already mentioned:

• Poor country, limited job prospects
• If it doesn’t work out with the girl; you’re stuck
• If it doesn’t work out with the job; you’re in trouble
• The position is a step down
• Miscellaneous nonsense like this: https://apnews.com/article/albania-italy-meloni-rama-migration-a956ec69549de15266574c455436e772

There are more of these, but I’d be typing all day.

The two main reasons why you’re not going to go relate to the very obvious reality: you are not in love with this woman.

I understand being lonely and wanting to hedge, but if this woman was really the love of your life, you wouldn’t still be making hundreds of approaches with women in your city. You would be hyper-focused on your Albanian girlfriend.

More importantly, you don’t love her enough to appreciate what an awful position you would be putting her in by your coming to Albania to be with her. You’ve stated that your inability to cope with loneliness and any other adversity in your life has led to multiple addictions. To simplify things, you have essentially stated that if you were to be with her, you would not feel the need to resort to substance abuse.

Do you realize how much of a burden this places on this woman is you move to her? That her presence is the only thing keeping you sober? If you really care about this woman, why would you burden her with this responsibility rather than working on these demons in more appropriate ways?

Anyways, so that part is settled; you’re not going down there.

More importantly, what are you going to do to work on this situation?

Why are you still living in the alternating boiling hot/freezing cold communist block building at this point? Why have you not upskilled yourself to make yourself more attractive to better employers or to offer some type of service, product, etc. to consumers? You mention you have “taken major strides” in this area, so why the continued miserable living conditions?

This is something you need to be thinking about right now. It should terrify you. If this isn’t figured out soon, things are just going to get harder and harder for you.

More to the point of relationships and Poland, I don’t accept that in a city of close to 2 million people (let’s say 300,000 women in the datable age range) that it’s too difficult to find an appropriate partner. None of this “they’re too cold!” or “they’re just career women!” nonsense. Even if this applies to 95 percent of them, you still have 15,000 to choose from.

Where are you going to meet these women? Glad you asked, because this is going to help work on your alcohol (and, to a smaller degree, smoking) problem, as well.

You’re going to need to join a gym. Maybe you already go to a gym, but if this is the case, I don’t know how you’re lonely. If you’re lonely and you go to the gym, you need to find a new gym.

Requirements for this gym are:

• Performance is important
• Lots of interaction with other people

If you go to a gym where you’re essentially competing during every session, you won’t want to drink and smoke as much. If you roll into a workout and everybody watches you get your butt kicked because you’re hungover, you’ll be less inclined to drink the night before and you’ll probably want to give up smoking entirely.

Gyms are the easiest places to make friends and gym friends are the best friends to have. People who care about their health, appearance, and, depending on the type of gym, their physical performance. Gyms that actually promote interaction are even better.

All of this being said, this is why you need to join a CrossFit gym near you. I don’t care about what any of the naysayers chiming in will say about it, You put in the effort, you get fit. You have to compete every day so you don’t want to suck at it. There are a ton of women (and men) who you are interacting with during every class and everyone becomes friends. You will make a lot of local friends and will probably make a new expat friend or two.

Next, it’s time to get to church. No, not in this “sit inside a church for 20 minutes and think about your situation” or “ask your pastor” manner. Instead, I would commit to two things:

• Finding and attending the local English-language mass in your area
• Consistently attending weekday mass AT THE SAME CHURCH in your area

To the former, you will not only be able to understand and participate in the liturgy. This is reason enough to go. You will also meet like-minded people who are navigating being an expat in the city. If you’re really against finding a Polish girlfriend/wife, there are usually a good number of single women (many of whom are younger university students) from foreign countries who attend mass and the agape “love feasts” afterwards. This is also where you will have the best chance to meet a priest to regularly converse with (since he will be fluent in English).

To the latter, in the larger churches in Budapest, daily masses draw hundreds of people. Although these people tend to be older, there are a surprisingly high number of younger women who attend. I would assume it is similar in Warsaw. Would you doubt that it’s every single one of these you women’s dreams to meet her husband at daily mass? This dream is what they’re living for!

You can’t be hungover or drunk (which would actually constitute a mortal sin) to receive the Eucharist; another incentive that goes along with this activity.

(An added bonus is, obviously, being able to partake in Eucharist on a more regular basis. Also, your Polish language listening ability should improve).

To summarize/action items:

• You’re not going to Albania and I would argue it’s time to cordially end the relationship
• You’re going to start upskilling and improving your short and long-term prospects
• You’re going to start going to CrossFit
• You’re going to start going to the English-language mass somewhere in Warsaw
• You’re going to start going to daily mass (you don’t have to start going every day. Work into it)

You start on these things, you probably won’t have time or brain space to feel as anxious as you do, you will improve your health, financial prospects, relationship prospects, and your spiritual life. Ball is in your court now.

Solid advice. Appreciate the effort. I hope you post more.

 

[BehindTheLines]

Unfortunately it’s the tendency of Internet forums to beat up on a guy and pile on him whenever he asks for advice or shows any signs of imperfections. It makes guys feel manly or something to be a keyboard warrior and speak to people in a manner that they would never do so in real life.

I know the second portion of your comment was more of a throwaway, passive-aggressive statement, but it actually relates to an important topic. It’s a little off topic for this conversation, but I agree that this type of behavior can be annoying at best and detrimental at worst.

Can you provide some examples in this thread of “manly” guys “speak(ing) to people in a manner that they would never do so in real life”? We should know so we don’t continue doing this, right?

 

[BehindTheLines]

But in the end, we are just some dudes on the internet, and the old "bruh you need to lift and make tons of money" advice is in my opinion very gay. I don't want you to regret it in 5 years you didn't go after this woman because some dudes told you to lift more. Very gay.

You're right; we are a bunch of dudes on the Internet. I happen to be a one of the dudes who advocates for developing healthy habits to offset unhealthy, potentially soul-crushing habits that also happen to overlap with spiritual development and finding the best possible mate.

If this constitutes "gay", consider me Greg Louganis.

If OP is actually in love with this woman, can't live without this woman, wants to spend his life with this woman, I agree, he will regret it if he doesn't go. Like, really regret it.

If big reasons why he was considering going to be with her was to help his addictions and his nose-diving personal life (which, to his credit, he has said were overblown in his original post), in 5 years, I think he'd probably regret not being more "gay".

 

[Tippy]

I agree with this. It's a solid guiding principle to help inform all big decisions with women.

When to Commit?

@Tippy What I will add about the topic of moving locations for a woman is the following:

I believe that the ONLY reason a man should make a considerable sacrifice for a woman by moving long distances to provide commitment is when she is undoubtedly marriage material AND you plan to have children together AND there are other, very clear advantages of making this sacrifice (e.g., better career to provide for your future family, easier logistics for family life such as being close to her parents to help with raising kids, etc).

I cannot see any statement from you along the lines of "I love her, want to be with her forever, and have a family together". This leads to me conclude that the effort involved to make this relationship function is not going to benefit you overall.

Value and Power in Relationships

On that note, I've discussed the process of power distribution and change over the course of a relationship here, under the sub-heading "The Standard Process":

Post in thread 'Marriage / Established Relationships'

Dec 16, 2023

Continued from here:

https://christisking.cc/threads/the...er-enlightenment-thread.536/page-2#post-13779

...There are a lot of brow beaten, henpecked Christian husbands whose wives treat them this way, even though the wives actually desire to be good loving wives out of devotion to God. They just can't tolerate their husband's failure to act like a man in the way woman are hardwired to want. These men need the red pill.

^ This is absolutely critical for men to know...

• Steady Hands

• 
• 
• 

Tippy, I recommend you review this post and the resources within it, at your convenience.

In almost all cases, it is against the interest of the man to be chasing women for commitment. In general, women gain value from commitment, while men take on acceptable  loss. See here for discussion:



Taking risks is essential for men to succeed. And getting married is a risk. But the reward of a family and a loving union under God can make it worthwhile. So, unless a woman is willing to give you children and a loving home environment, there are, at best, very few valid reasons to place all your chips on the table.

With that in mind, I think it's time to move on, gain more abundance with women, develop healthy habits such as involvement in group sports, start building other aspects of your life that give you meaning, etc. Myself and others have discussed many of these suggested actions moving forward.

On Feedback

I trust you will not get disheartened by the tough approach shown here. Remember - it is par for course online. Few men will recognise sharing problems or failures as a strength because it is associated with self-pity and many feminine traits. I think your post does show courage however, as you are revealing things that are not easy to share. I hope others feel likewise free to reveal personal experiences here as a way to seek feedback.

Try your best not to take any "harsh" post personally, and think about it as information which you can consider. No need to defend yourself here by going on the offensive. Between the challenging rhetoric is some gold advice. This is a great opportunity to grow and start the next chapter in your life.

Forum Tip

Last, we have exchanged some productive dialogue in a previous thread of yours here:

Post in thread 'Relationship advice'

Dec 6, 2023

@Tippy

Credit to you for sharing all this in detail. It takes a level of strength and self-awareness given the context of this forum. I also hope the process of writing has been helpful for you in giving clarity to your thoughts.

This situation, like many, is very complex and cannot be understood or resolved in a few short words, and there is a huge amount of information missing (e.g., your and her life history). With that in mind, I've read over this thread in full with the hope to draw out some key questions or issues to consider.

I'll be unable to offer further guidance in...

• Steady Hands

• 

I suggest you keep all related posts in one single thread to improve the efficiency of your writing and the responses. This will aid reader comprehension of your situation, so they have more information to consider when responding to you.

All the best.

Solid advice. Appreciate the effort. I hope you post more.

Thanks for the thoughtful post. I would seriously like to ask you if you have ever lived abroad before though?

 

[Steady Hands]

Thanks for the thoughtful post.

All good. I hope you can take away something useful from the post and the linked resources. I am responding to you because you seem to be posting in good faith, and if so, I would like to see you succeed in finding a solid life track that is meaningful.

I would seriously like to ask you if you have ever lived abroad before though?

I'm unsure if sharing my experience living abroad will add value to the discussion about your circumstances and considerations. However, I can answer you in short -- yes, I have lived abroad in a few countries, and travelled overseas for a combined total of several years across a few dozen countries.

In terms of long-term committed relationships lasting several years, the majority of my experience relates to foreign women who I met in Australia. This includes my present wife.

I hope this was the kind of information you were seeking. Happy to answer you via PM more specifically regarding exact places, years, etc, if you think this would have practical use. Though I don't have experience in Poland or Albania, so can't comment on those places in particular. All the best.

 

[jaguarcat]

Albanians are mixed with Turks, so not fully white, why even bother

 

[Australia Sucks]

Albanians are mixed with Turks, so not fully white, why even bother

Your argument is invalid. While Turks left a big cultural imprint on the Albanians the genetic imprint is fairly small as the different races living in Albania for the most part lived in their own sections and did not race mix so much. The average Albanian if you look at their DNA is less race mixed than an average German or average Italian.