Marriage / Established Relationships

Serious question for the group, not sure if this is the right thread. I have my own methods for this, but how do you guys screen for long term mental issues such as BPD or bipolar disorder? Have anyone of you ever dated or been with a woman who seemed totally fine and then went off the rails or worse hid these things from you?

I find it difficult to see especially in the courtship phase. Once living together, of course it is easier to see the mood swings.
 
Rational1 said:
Serious question for the group, not sure if this is the right thread. I have my own methods for this, but how do you guys screen for long term mental issues such as BPD or bipolar disorder? Have anyone of you ever dated or been with a woman who seemed totally fine and then went off the rails or worse hid these things from you?

I find it difficult to see especially in the courtship phase. Once living together, of course it is easier to see the mood swings.
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It seems to me that it would be harder to find someone who didn't wear their "mental disorder" on their sleeve. Most women I've known were very upfront about being bipolar or other nonsense.
 
For those of you in here who's wife has been through menopause, did she come out of the other side of it and become a relatively normal person again?

Its really weird but I sometimes catch glimpses of my old wife, almost like she's in there somewhere but trapped in kind of a prison.
 
Hello, I have not posted for a long time, used to be more active on the old forum. I recently married and was looking for some advice from men more experienced with marriage.

What do you do if you cannot stop ruminating about your wife's bad behavior toward you? This is after she already apologized, and everything is back to normal on the surface, but I know the same behavior will happen again and again, so it seems impossible for me to move on and forgive her. Divorce is not an option, but my wife's behavior causes me serious mental distress, and can make it impossible for me to focus on my work (I work from home on a laptop).

Part of the problem is, I am a US Citizen, she is located outside the US, I married her in her home country. The cultural differences are very large. I go there to work remotely for about 30 days at a time while waiting for her visa to be approved. My thinking about this entire subject is wrong somewhere starting from the foundation. That's why I am confused overall and don't know how to get back up.

When she is angry (which happens for nonsensical reasons she imagines out of nowhere) she withdraws all contact, will not talk, cook, show any affection, walks out of the house without saying anything and returns hours later, doesn't reply to calls or messages, when she does talk she says things like "just go back to your country and never come back here, no one wants you here," "stop giving me money, you don't need to support me, I don't want anything from you ever again," "just cancel the visa application, I never want to come to the US," "our marriage is not real, my wedding vows were not real, I'm sick of this relationship, I just want to end this, just go away, I never want to see you again."

Then, at some point she softens up again or breaks down crying, and starts acting "normal" again, as in affectionate, talkative, generally happy, excited about our future -- the girl I thought she was when I married her. And, when I am not in the country, but I'm back at home in the US and we are messaging and talking on video calls 1-2 times per day, she is totally normal, affectionate, seemingly loyal, seemingly level-headed and having common sense, again, the girl I thought she was when I married her.

Would really appreciate any advice. The last time I went there felt like hell, and I'm preparing to go again for another 4 weeks starting end of December. I keep replaying these episodes over in my head and I know the risks of bringing her here, she goes crazy and decides to divorce me, then the divorce-therapy-industrial complex lines up behind her and crushes me, and I would wish I had just stayed lonely and free here in the US.
 
Why do you say divorce is not an option? It seems to me that she has told you exactly how she feels, both through her behavior and her words. You are right to be concerned if you bring her to the USA, where she has ALL the power of the state behind her.
Since you are barely living together in any way...and I assume there are no children produced by you...divorce her now, cut your losses, and stop the visa process. You may not get another chance.
Sorry dude, but this sounds really bad.
Out of curiosity, what country is she from? That may play a role in understanding her background and behavior.
 
Pax_Fratribus said:
Hello, I have not posted for a long time, used to be more active on the old forum. I recently married and was looking for some advice from men more experienced with marriage.

What do you do if you cannot stop ruminating about your wife's bad behavior toward you? This is after she already apologized, and everything is back to normal on the surface, but I know the same behavior will happen again and again, so it seems impossible for me to move on and forgive her. Divorce is not an option, but my wife's behavior causes me serious mental distress, and can make it impossible for me to focus on my work (I work from home on a laptop).

Part of the problem is, I am a US Citizen, she is located outside the US, I married her in her home country. The cultural differences are very large. I go there to work remotely for about 30 days at a time while waiting for her visa to be approved. My thinking about this entire subject is wrong somewhere starting from the foundation. That's why I am confused overall and don't know how to get back up.

When she is angry (which happens for nonsensical reasons she imagines out of nowhere) she withdraws all contact, will not talk, cook, show any affection, walks out of the house without saying anything and returns hours later, doesn't reply to calls or messages, when she does talk she says things like "just go back to your country and never come back here, no one wants you here," "stop giving me money, you don't need to support me, I don't want anything from you ever again," "just cancel the visa application, I never want to come to the US," "our marriage is not real, my wedding vows were not real, I'm sick of this relationship, I just want to end this, just go away, I never want to see you again."

Then, at some point she softens up again or breaks down crying, and starts acting "normal" again, as in affectionate, talkative, generally happy, excited about our future -- the girl I thought she was when I married her. And, when I am not in the country, but I'm back at home in the US and we are messaging and talking on video calls 1-2 times per day, she is totally normal, affectionate, seemingly loyal, seemingly level-headed and having common sense, again, the girl I thought she was when I married her.

Would really appreciate any advice. The last time I went there felt like hell, and I'm preparing to go again for another 4 weeks starting end of December. I keep replaying these episodes over in my head and I know the risks of bringing her here, she goes crazy and decides to divorce me, then the divorce-therapy-industrial complex lines up behind her and crushes me, and I would wish I had just stayed lonely and free here in the US.
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A lot of women are like this. They can be sweet, and then change suddenly and be intolerably bad. It is very difficult to handle. I think divorce must be avoided if at all possible, but if there are no children, it may be better to cut your loses. However, I assume you will want to do everything possible to avoid divorce.

Do you both go to church? Are you both devout, making every effort to serve God and trusting in him for strength to do so? I would pray a lot about dealing with her. If you are not both actively seeking God, fix this as the first step.

Once you have the first priority in order, I think you have to be strong in dealing with her, and not let her anger you. Have teflon skin, so her trouble making slides off without leaving a mark. Tease and cajole her back into a good humor, then enjoy the making up process.

I would work to resolve this residency situation as soon as possible. It seems fairly certain that not living together full time is the root of the problem. Fix that, and then see how she reacts. She probably will still have a volatile personality with periodic irrational outbursts. You'll just have to learn to handle them without letting it get to you.
 
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I'm not a married man or expert on women, but that behavior seems worse than usual. Most women have annoying and emotional things about them, but that seems pretty extreme. And exhausting to deal with. Almost like dealing with a child. I have noticed many men have an insane level of tolerance when putting up with their wife's bad behavior.

If that was me, I'd tell her that behavior will not be tolerated then start ignoring her if it continues.
 
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@Pax_Fratribus that sounds really bad you probably need to just pull the plug while you still can - otherwise it will be lock the door and throw away the key!

You will end up with visions of your own tombstone and coffin. If there are children then divorce lawyers you will be thinking about rope.

Gazing out the window at the blue yonder, wondering how to escape, wondering how it came to this. Yearning for your former days of freedom.

Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

If I were in that situation I'd pull the plug then go on some kind of road trip to regain my composure.
Pax_Fratribus said:
when she does talk she says things like "just go back to your country and never come back here, no one wants you here
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It is completely ridiculous to not vanish after a comment like that, block her and probably insult her to pieces.
 
Pax_Fratribus said:
Hello, I have not posted for a long time, used to be more active on the old forum. I recently married and was looking for some advice from men more experienced with marriage.

What do you do if you cannot stop ruminating about your wife's bad behavior toward you? This is after she already apologized, and everything is back to normal on the surface, but I know the same behavior will happen again and again, so it seems impossible for me to move on and forgive her. Divorce is not an option, but my wife's behavior causes me serious mental distress, and can make it impossible for me to focus on my work (I work from home on a laptop).

Part of the problem is, I am a US Citizen, she is located outside the US, I married her in her home country. The cultural differences are very large. I go there to work remotely for about 30 days at a time while waiting for her visa to be approved. My thinking about this entire subject is wrong somewhere starting from the foundation. That's why I am confused overall and don't know how to get back up.

When she is angry (which happens for nonsensical reasons she imagines out of nowhere) she withdraws all contact, will not talk, cook, show any affection, walks out of the house without saying anything and returns hours later, doesn't reply to calls or messages, when she does talk she says things like "just go back to your country and never come back here, no one wants you here," "stop giving me money, you don't need to support me, I don't want anything from you ever again," "just cancel the visa application, I never want to come to the US," "our marriage is not real, my wedding vows were not real, I'm sick of this relationship, I just want to end this, just go away, I never want to see you again."

Then, at some point she softens up again or breaks down crying, and starts acting "normal" again, as in affectionate, talkative, generally happy, excited about our future -- the girl I thought she was when I married her. And, when I am not in the country, but I'm back at home in the US and we are messaging and talking on video calls 1-2 times per day, she is totally normal, affectionate, seemingly loyal, seemingly level-headed and having common sense, again, the girl I thought she was when I married her.

Would really appreciate any advice. The last time I went there felt like hell, and I'm preparing to go again for another 4 weeks starting end of December. I keep replaying these episodes over in my head and I know the risks of bringing her here, she goes crazy and decides to divorce me, then the divorce-therapy-industrial complex lines up behind her and crushes me, and I would wish I had just stayed lonely and free here in the US.
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I too am often distracted from my work by woman craziness and I spend way too much time thinking about that subject. I often wonder just how much more I could be achieving if 30% of my brain wasn't constantly thinking about my marriage.

Get out whilst you still can and you have no ties like kids or anything joint. Life is too short to be married to bi polar women.

Think of this advice as a gift from a future version of yourself.
 
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Thank you for all the advice and perspective. I won't try to reply directly to it all, but I read it all and appreciate it.

I know it seems obvious to just leave after some of those comments she made. After all, I never believed in staying somewhere I'm not wanted. Some would call this entire post "hamstering..." but I know she doesn't really mean it, she is legitimately hysterical and out of her mind sometimes, because she's a woman. I've had more than my share of girlfriends, and I'm used to just getting rid of a girl when she goes crazy. But those were all American women, and I learned to despise them. This is the first foreign woman I ever knew (she is Filipina) and somehow it feels different, not like a stageplay the way American girls are. This is a genuine human being who is spiritually struggling and legitimately traumatized by many, many things going wrong in her life before we met. When I think back on the life she had up until I met her, I honestly can't blame her for a lot of her crazy, hysterical, fear-driven behavior. I'm talking about levels of grinding poverty due to having no father and six siblings, where the family is sharing one egg among all of them for the whole day, she is going to school every day without eating anything, true starvation-level poverty, and she still managed to graduate high school and one year of college. She made bad decisions along the way especially in her early 20s, but honestly nowhere near as bad as I did, and I started with a lot more going for me in life.

Also I feel like it's better to stay and figure it out, instead of leaving and running away. With other women I used to just disappear for a while whenever they bothered me. Now when my wife has one of these episodes, I just stay exactly where I am, don't go spend more money on a hotel somewhere that might not even have reliable Internet for me to work. I just stay there and do my best to keep quiet, or as Thomas More said, try to cajole her back into a good mood without apologizing for whatever she made up this time. So far I've succeeded without raising my voice at her too seriously or breaking anything, so I know the situation is sustainable even though it's not pleasant.

As far as wanting to hang myself because divorce lawyers are lining up against me and taking away both children, garnishing my wages, and the ex-wife is falsely accusing me of violent crimes at the same time to make sure she gets 100% custody and maximum child support after she moves to another state, then I have to spend three years in legal jeopardy until I can finally clear my name... already been through that. I came out the other side alive and didn't seem to lose anything I didn't need. So if it happens again, that's a risk I'm willing to take, because I think my Filipina girl is worth it and I'm not really afraid of those things anymore.

Also she is expecting our first child, another reason I'm not willing to leave her. I only recently found out, so sometimes I forget she is pregnant, but when I remember that, it makes it much easier to forgive her. She's the kind of girl who wants as many children as possible and would never consider an abortion, considers motherhood and keeping a home to be her most important priorities in life. I believe it's true, because her behavior almost always reflects it.
 
Thomas More said:
Do you both go to church? Are you both devout, making every effort to serve God and trusting in him for strength to do so? I would pray a lot about dealing with her. If you are not both actively seeking God, fix this as the first step.
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We used to talk about God a lot, and used to go to church often when I was there, but recently I started saying some things against the Catholic church (such as how blessings, prayers, and forgiveness should not be sold for cash out of an office, or how the saints are not gods nor are they perfect, they are human beings who also need Christ, and I also have an instinctive revulsion for churches where Saint Mary is the only thing you can see, there is no Christ, or his images are off to the side and tiny, the whole focus is just a huge Virgin Mary for everyone to bow down to... various other things) and now it seems like her faith is shaken and she's not too enthusiastic about going to church anymore. Over there, religion is mixed up with Chinese superstitions that are so ridiculous you can't even believe it* so a lot of people either accept or reject everything supernatural, religion included. It's just one big package. And I am constantly bashing their superstitions and never agreeing to her obeying any of them if it inconveniences us in any way. Despite all of that, she seems to have a strong core faith in "God" so at least there is a one-God idea, and it's definitely a "He," so that's good too, and she's been seeing Christ on the cross her whole life, singing songs about him, etc. but I don't think she really understands any of the core of the Christian faith.

She has a focus on God where God is the last answer to everything, as in I trust God, he will take care of everything, everything is according to His will, we just need to trust Him, etc. But when it comes to things like admitting her faults and seeking to correct them, for example, she is terrified to do that. It's as if by admitting she did something wrong, now God will immediately "know" and punish her, but if she can somehow convincingly argue that it wasn't her fault, then everything will be fine. Obviously this attitude makes it impossible to resolve anything, but it comes and goes. She does have a very strong belief that Scripture is true, and is the authority to answer any question about God. So I hope I can help her with this over time, but I'm no preacher, and it's easier to offend someone or make them angry at God, than to lead them to something that will help them.

The whole thing is a cross, and I need to bear it until I finally reach eternity and God solves everything. I knew when I met her it would be hard, because I realized how much I loved her, after I was old enough and been through enough to know better.


*like your head will explode if you shower or bathe after cooking, so people actually don't shower when they are covered in grease and smoke, they just lie down in bed and go to sleep... or, your head will explode if you drink water when you are sweating very hard working outside in the sun is another really stupid and dangerous one. One of my wife's relatives sadly died from heatstroke because of this "fact" that everyone knows
 
Pax_Fratribus said:
Hello, I have not posted for a long time, used to be more active on the old forum. I recently married and was looking for some advice from men more experienced with marriage.

What do you do if you cannot stop ruminating about your wife's bad behavior toward you? This is after she already apologized, and everything is back to normal on the surface, but I know the same behavior will happen again and again, so it seems impossible for me to move on and forgive her. Divorce is not an option, but my wife's behavior causes me serious mental distress, and can make it impossible for me to focus on my work (I work from home on a laptop).

Part of the problem is, I am a US Citizen, she is located outside the US, I married her in her home country. The cultural differences are very large. I go there to work remotely for about 30 days at a time while waiting for her visa to be approved. My thinking about this entire subject is wrong somewhere starting from the foundation. That's why I am confused overall and don't know how to get back up.

When she is angry (which happens for nonsensical reasons she imagines out of nowhere) she withdraws all contact, will not talk, cook, show any affection, walks out of the house without saying anything and returns hours later, doesn't reply to calls or messages, when she does talk she says things like "just go back to your country and never come back here, no one wants you here," "stop giving me money, you don't need to support me, I don't want anything from you ever again," "just cancel the visa application, I never want to come to the US," "our marriage is not real, my wedding vows were not real, I'm sick of this relationship, I just want to end this, just go away, I never want to see you again."

Then, at some point she softens up again or breaks down crying, and starts acting "normal" again, as in affectionate, talkative, generally happy, excited about our future -- the girl I thought she was when I married her. And, when I am not in the country, but I'm back at home in the US and we are messaging and talking on video calls 1-2 times per day, she is totally normal, affectionate, seemingly loyal, seemingly level-headed and having common sense, again, the girl I thought she was when I married her.

Would really appreciate any advice. The last time I went there felt like hell, and I'm preparing to go again for another 4 weeks starting end of December. I keep replaying these episodes over in my head and I know the risks of bringing her here, she goes crazy and decides to divorce me, then the divorce-therapy-industrial complex lines up behind her and crushes me, and I would wish I had just stayed lonely and free here in the US.
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Not an expert nor am I married, so you could disregard what I say or not. This sounds a bit extreme. It seems like your wife is bipolar or has some type of mental disorder. I have to disagree that all women are like this because I have been in long term relationships (5+ years) and usually the womans temperament was even keel throughout, minus some crying and outbursts here and there but it was extremely rare (I should have married one imparticular but was younger and stupid and pursued the player lifestyle, ship has since sailed)

Personally I can’t deal with women who have massive emotional ups and downs beyond the normal time of month thing which is why I screen carefully for it.

Don’t know, seems like a red flag to me, but I could be way off base.
 
Pax_Fratribus said:
Thank you for all the advice and perspective. I won't try to reply directly to it all, but I read it all and appreciate it.

I know it seems obvious to just leave after some of those comments she made. After all, I never believed in staying somewhere I'm not wanted. Some would call this entire post "hamstering..." but I know she doesn't really mean it, she is legitimately hysterical and out of her mind sometimes, because she's a woman. I've had more than my share of girlfriends, and I'm used to just getting rid of a girl when she goes crazy. But those were all American women, and I learned to despise them. This is the first foreign woman I ever knew (she is Filipina) and somehow it feels different, not like a stageplay the way American girls are. This is a genuine human being who is spiritually struggling and legitimately traumatized by many, many things going wrong in her life before we met. When I think back on the life she had up until I met her, I honestly can't blame her for a lot of her crazy, hysterical, fear-driven behavior. I'm talking about levels of grinding poverty due to having no father and six siblings, where the family is sharing one egg among all of them for the whole day, she is going to school every day without eating anything, true starvation-level poverty, and she still managed to graduate high school and one year of college. She made bad decisions along the way especially in her early 20s, but honestly nowhere near as bad as I did, and I started with a lot more going for me in life.
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You married a huge project, a woman who came from poverty with massive trauma. There’s no other way to sugar coat it. You’re a brave man if you stay with her, but be prepared for one hell of ride. I hope for both you and your wife’s wellbeing that your faith is strong.
 
Thomas More said:
Do you both go to church? Are you both devout, making every effort to serve God and trusting in him for strength to do so? I would pray a lot about dealing with her. If you are not both actively seeking God, fix this as the first step.
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I also wanted to say, thank you for this particular piece of advice. My previous post kind of rambled around it without answering you. What you are saying is the key to fixing everything, because the root of the problem is we are stuck in the curse where the woman wants to argue and dominate the man, and the man, being stronger, rules over her while she hates him. We need Christ to overcome that, and we've made progress, but I need to lead her that direction in a stronger way and seek Him more myself.

I do pray to Jesus for strength and guidance during these times, and one thing I notice is, no matter what happens, Jesus always gives me the strength to endure the situation, and the direction of something positive I can do to avoid, for example, just saying the hell with it and going out to get drunk with random people, which would be easy to do there.

Thank you again for the advice, things are always easy when I'm here in the USA and just video calling with her, but this gave me hope for the next time I go there, which is getting closer. And you are right it will be a lot easier when I finally live with her permanently -- as a US citizen it's faster for me to bring over a wife, but it still takes almost two years from the date you file the paperwork, so I need to go through this frequent travel followed by separation for another ~18 months.
 
Josephus said:
You married a huge project, a woman who came from poverty with massive trauma. There’s no other way to sugar coat it. You’re a brave man if you stay with her, but be prepared for one hell of ride. I hope for both you and your wife’s wellbeing that your faith is strong.
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Thank you for the good wishes and you are right about the situation. You would not believe some of the stories I've heard -- poverty in the Philippines is totally different than poverty in the US, and what makes it worse is the extremely judgmental and superior attitude everyone else takes toward the poor, which just rubs it in their faces, and is not something we do here in the US.
 
Josephus said:
Not an expert nor am I married, so you could disregard what I say or not. This sounds a bit extreme. It seems like your wife is bipolar or has some type of mental disorder. I have to disagree that all women are like this because I have been in long term relationships (5+ years) and usually the womans temperament was even keel throughout, minus some crying and outbursts here and there but it was extremely rare (I should have married one imparticular but was younger and stupid and pursued the player lifestyle, ship has since sailed)

Personally I can’t deal with women who have massive emotional ups and downs beyond the normal time of month thing which is why I screen carefully for it.

Don’t know, seems like a red flag to me, but I could be way off base.
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That's what I was about to say.

This isn't normal behavior. To some extent emotional swings are normal but not like this.

It doesn't necessarily mean someone is a bad person at their core but it's also not something you can just accept.

I would personally insist on treatment and a make the approach when she's in a positive state. With a psychiatrist. Not a therapist. This is the kind of thing that may very well be a case where medication is actually required to at least control the magnitude of the issue.
 
Sounds about par for the course for over there. Extreme mood swings and behavior not like you are used to in the west.
Huge issues coming from simple little things that they choose to blow up.
There are a lot of good cultural things but also a many negative, and what's even worse is you will be seen as the bad guy for bringing anything up. Let sleeping dogs lie and go along to get along is the expected norm.

However, if you can lead her well spiritually, I expect that will solve a lot of the issues. Don't let her shit tests get to you, maintain frame, choose your battles and try to learn the culture (even if you don't fully follow it). If you need to get out of the house, try a co-working space or coffee shop, let her cool off for a while, then just ignore everything she said in anger and do like @Thomas More said.
 
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