Marriage / Established Relationships
- Thread starter Steady Hands
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Alex I'll take Marriage advice not to take from strangers for 500 please.
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No cuss words? Is this really maggo?
I think your last line is accurate.
Once in a while the Old RVF pops up and this is one of those times with @magoo. The essential bones of the argument is that letting your male presence become something that is ignored is the root of the bed death many couples end up in. When I hear a man say, "Happy wife, happy life!" I will also show you a man that isn't desired by his wife and can probably count on his hands the amount of sex he has per year.
We all know that women are transactional creatures. It's your job as a man to lead those transactions to as beneficial to you and your family as possible. Also the advice that I got from my dad many years ago that seemed to sum up the Old Forum is this: Your wife should never feel totally comfortable around you, never knowing when a quick butt grab or smack is going to happen.
The level of female sexual anxiety in your home should never be zero.
We all know that women are transactional creatures. It's your job as a man to lead those transactions to as beneficial to you and your family as possible. Also the advice that I got from my dad many years ago that seemed to sum up the Old Forum is this: Your wife should never feel totally comfortable around you, never knowing when a quick butt grab or smack is going to happen.
The level of female sexual anxiety in your home should never be zero.
You can probably get away with the whole wife-does-everything-while I sit back approach when you’re physically busting your butt doing hard labor ten hours a day.
But I get paid lots of money to type on a computer a couple hours a day at home, so it’s practically impossible for me to justify that sort of approach. I can see where someone like Magoo is coming from, but reading his post makes me feel like I’m peeking into the lives of bottom-working class Irish blue collar people. The whole culture is just utterly different from my world. My wife isn’t like that, I’m not like that, and don’t want to be like that.
I used to read things like that from married Game guys back in the day before I was married and it all sounds simple on paper, but that’s basically one type of strategy that works for one type of relationship and certain types of people, and doesn’t map out universally.
I could just stop doing household chores, but that wouldn’t make my wife capable of handling it. It would just result in the house being a dump and me never having any clean laundry or dishes, and she would probably just have panic attacks on top of that. It’s essentially an “if you want it done right, do it yourself” kind of situation.
I really thought my wife was going to be a good homemaker five years ago, there wasn’t much indication that this was how the state of our household would be prior to getting married. It’s not that she’s lazy or negligent, she’s just not very capable or competent, and can’t seem to learn from her mistakes or adjust course when she’s trying to do things in a way that doesn’t work.
Trying to talk about this with her goes absolutely nowhere, she just gets defensive and avoids the issues, I honestly don’t think she is really capable of understanding any of this. She is basically a child in an adult’s body. All I can do is bite my tongue and try not to think about it too much, since the alternative is to blow up at her in a rage for not sleep training our son, not potty training our daughter, never making food for me, or having sex, or whatever. Getting mad would just make a bad situation worse.
But I get paid lots of money to type on a computer a couple hours a day at home, so it’s practically impossible for me to justify that sort of approach. I can see where someone like Magoo is coming from, but reading his post makes me feel like I’m peeking into the lives of bottom-working class Irish blue collar people. The whole culture is just utterly different from my world. My wife isn’t like that, I’m not like that, and don’t want to be like that.
I used to read things like that from married Game guys back in the day before I was married and it all sounds simple on paper, but that’s basically one type of strategy that works for one type of relationship and certain types of people, and doesn’t map out universally.
I could just stop doing household chores, but that wouldn’t make my wife capable of handling it. It would just result in the house being a dump and me never having any clean laundry or dishes, and she would probably just have panic attacks on top of that. It’s essentially an “if you want it done right, do it yourself” kind of situation.
I really thought my wife was going to be a good homemaker five years ago, there wasn’t much indication that this was how the state of our household would be prior to getting married. It’s not that she’s lazy or negligent, she’s just not very capable or competent, and can’t seem to learn from her mistakes or adjust course when she’s trying to do things in a way that doesn’t work.
Trying to talk about this with her goes absolutely nowhere, she just gets defensive and avoids the issues, I honestly don’t think she is really capable of understanding any of this. She is basically a child in an adult’s body. All I can do is bite my tongue and try not to think about it too much, since the alternative is to blow up at her in a rage for not sleep training our son, not potty training our daughter, never making food for me, or having sex, or whatever. Getting mad would just make a bad situation worse.
This is the root of the problem. She's immature and needs to pitch in with housework. You are correct in being patient, but, every now and then, you must keep applying pressure: "It would be nice if you could help do chore x/y/z" or "Don't forget the children need to be in bed soon." Stuff like that.
I don't think there is any easy way to address the problem. Being forceful won't work but being a pushover will eventually make you snap, so saying nothing won't work either.
I'd say, try maybe once a week to ask her to do something. Not too much, not too little. Try to be fun when you make an ask. Make jokes, tickle her, or tell her you'll throw out her favorite foods if she doesn't do a chore that really urks you. That's my best guess without knowing the particulars of your relationship.
As your kids grow older, there will be more fridge calendars, chore sheets and all other sorts of things that keep your family unit humming along. Life gets complicated from a logistical standpoint, and if you don't have a central schedule that you all work from, things will get missed. It's no ones fault necessarily, but the schedule is not only for your benefit, it is for everyone's benefit.
If I were you, I would create this calendar and schedule then have your wife's input. Then together polish it up and from there stick to it. Add/subtract as you see fit because it will always be a work in progress, especially as the kids grow. When they enter sports, hahaha well if you don't have a system then good luck and I hope your blood pressure is in check
Sometimes women are not much more aware than kids. It's a big part of why we love these types of women - they can make excellent mothers and don't manifest anxiety like high IQ women. And, just like kids, they often appreciate you working with them to instill a system of tasks and boundaries that help them feel safe.
Dude I´m a lawyer. My wife as a business degree. She used to work as a project manager in private banking. Before she got pregnant.
She baked three cakes this weekend. You know what I told her? It would be cool if you had a dish or cake kids would remember. You know like those grandmother dishes we always remember how good they were. It´s a work in progress. Cakes were ok. One of them was too sweet. Too much sugar.
Did you knew Churchill laid bricks?
I have friends who work in tech. They explain what they do. Nobody never understands them. Data mining. Networks. Who the fuck knows? They are mostly nerds. I like them. But they suck at woman. Some of them are married.
This is not a social class issue. Sex is not rational. It´s animal. You need to act like an irish blue collar worker in sex. Woman want that. Any woman. Not all the time of course. But once in a while. You need to be an animal. And she has to feel desired by you not in a rational way.
You´re wrong. Man and woman never changed. What you have is weak and strong personalities. A weaker man will want a stronger woman. But this is wrong. Because man shouldn´t be weak. Woman will occupy the space of a weak man.
We have a house maid. I have family members and friends who have 24h house maids. But it´s not for me. To have a spy all day in the house.
My wife fires the house maids every 3 months. And I steal my wifes phone and send them a message rehiring them. We had a romanian old lady. She was an angel. But my wife would always make up some excuse to fire her. That angel made our bed like 5 star hotels do. The romanian angel retired and returned to romania. Unfortunately for me. Now we have an african. Not the same.
Why don´t you pay a house maid? To come at least 3x week. A house maid should do besides the cleaning the dishes and laundry. Ironing and all that shit. Food is for wife to make.
But you should never manage them. This is your wife job. You pay. But they manage them.
Not having sex is your fault. The rest just hire a housekeeper.
It's really easy to give marriage advices when you're using a house maid big dog.
Many folks can't afford that.
$500 a month for house cleaning (assuming 2x a week) is a pretty big expense for many right now.
"But I get paid lots of money to type on a computer a couple hours a day at home,"
Dude has money.
Reduce costs in other stuff and hire a housekeeper. Even if its just 1 day. Ironing. My wife hates ironing. Just for the laundry. It would be good.
The romanian angel used to work for my wife family. She was perfect. We didn´t have to worry about her stealing. She was old and went back to romania. She called us in christmas. I would have married the romanian if she was younger. Once there was a public transportantion strike. I sent her home by taxi. She was really happy with me.
The laundry and dishes are the biggest issues. They need help with this. The amount of laundry is brutal. Kids piss everywhere. If you have boys. My kids bathroom smells worse than a public toilet. A fucking subway toilet smells better. They´re clothes. Fuck it´s worse than homeless.
There´s also au pairs. Au pairs it´s for rich bastards who are really cheap. I knew one family they used au pair as a maid. Poor girl was always complaining. She was italian. And they made her cook. Lool. Another family really wealthy. Those are beyond rich. Have staff. But also an au pair. Hahahaha. Cheap fucks. Wealthy are always the cheapest. It´s all a façade.
My wife would never allow an au pair. A strange person inside the house. But it´s an option. Maybe for the summer I will have some exchange kids to help outside. Now that I think of it. Stone walls. It could make sense. This could definitely make sense. I need to get an administrative person to deal with this.
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The nanny and housemaid gossip system has dirt on everyone imaginable.
So let’s say you and you wife agree while young in the marriage that you would be the primary breadwinner while the wife stays home to raise the kids (or at most ,works part time to supplement some income). Once kids are grown, so should it be assumed that a wife now pursue a full time job or 100% career driven now, or without the full time job of raising kids, be able to live the easy “housewife of city “x” while the husband continues to fully support the household financially? I hear all the discussions about “best to have children young, wife stay home etc” but no one ever addresses what is best situation after children are grown and out of the house.
What are you talking about bro? I thought everyone knows the wife then gets a job until she's ready to help out with the grand kids. A woman's job raising kids is never done.
And even then it should still remain a part time job to help with expenses at home and money spent on the grandchildren.
If the kids are gone. What are your expenses in order for you to need a wife to work? You can live in a one bedroom apartment without kids. What household? Buying food for 2 persons? Unless your thinking about taking care of grandkids also.
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Thanks, Perhaps I’ve been living under a rock, but that is literally the first time I’ve read or heard anyone express this info. Ok, if this is the general positive view I’m good with that.