Relationship advice

[Steady Hands]

So many responses... thank each one of you.

On Sunday my wife showered in the morning, said she was going on "an errand" for an hour, left for 4 hours, and b-lined for the shower as soon as she got home and showered again, all without her rings on. She wouldn't look at me when I asked her if she was with someone and said "my main focus is the kids right now".

So, read from that what you will.

Also, in Canada, a divorced dad has to oay 50% of extra curricular activities on top of child support, so now that we're separated, she and my in laws have enrolled my daughter in hockey, which is the most expensive sport in the country, 10-15k per year, but its all 50% off now to them. My daughter likes dance and music, but my father in law is the type that says "I almost went pro, but I hurt my shoulder..."

My wife, when we were courting said she was catholic and was on board with my Catholicism but she didn't know what to do in mass... would always "get a headache" and not come with me... Anyway, her parents baptized her at 8 years old in order to get a discount on the catholic school board, turns out they mock religion and actively don't believe in it, so my wife didn't develop spiritually the way I did.

I earn in the top 10% of the country, so by divorcing me she'll make as much after tax as a red seal carpenter, and never have to work. In our marriage, I pay everything and give her 1300$ per month to spend. She wants more money, we don't have any, and I encourage her to go work and earn more if 1300$ isn't enough. She counters with "i have done my research, I know how much you'll have to pay me if I divorce you. You'll never own a home for the rest of your life!". So based on that, the power dynamics shifted. She never learned to cook, she sleeps in til noon. I admonished her for it and told her I needed her to fill the motherly role in the home, so she rebelled and tried her hand at plumbing and flooded the basement. Tried her hand at fixing the woodwork, broke all the wood work. Etc. She was always rebelling, blowing all her money on fast food and trinkets... leaving her hair iron on, kid goes to the hospital and has thick scars for life. She was brushing my daughters teeth with no tooth paste on the brush for the first two years of her life (I work overnights sometimes so I can't be the tooth brusher, we agreed that was her) - by the time I figured out the tooth thing it was too late, my daughter teeth rotted. At least they're baby teeth but what a distress for me.. Anyway, I came down on her hard about these things and she just got tired of being held to a "high" standard.

Anyway, shes turned her emotional connection to me off and there are multiple signs of another man involved.

I also have a disabled child who shensays she wants to institutionalize when he gets older because she doesnt want to be stuck with his care - she will keep him until he doesnt bring in child support and then hand him over. I love him dearly, I would prefer to just raise him myself.

I misjudged her intentions when she married me perhaps, but she wasn't always a harpy, she was my sweet girl who just wasn't actually interested in the half work it takes to be a mother and in being married during an economic downturn and living frugally.

I can't foresee a life that is a fraction as satisfying as what we could have had if she had just stayed true to our vows and tried a little harder.

I cannot afford to live in this city post-divorce. What do you think of these two options:

A) join the military, live on base in a shack (single room, have couch, TV, computer, eat at mess hall) hardly everbsee kids, but I would not really get to see them anyway...

B) move to Argentina, teach english with CELTA certification, never see my kids. Citizenship attainable after two years. Typing "never see my children" hurts my brain, I don't think I can do that.

Right now though, I'd be entitled to about 34k per year out of 105k salary. Subtract from that "hockey" costs.

Guys I can't foresee a future that even remotely satisfies me. I just want to be the head of my household and watch my children grow with my wife. I can't make someone else want that too though.

Sorry for the blog post. Christ have mercy, pray for me.

Dear Quagmire,

I welcome you to the forum, though I'm saddened to hear about your predicament. It sounds like you've recently been faced with a number of hard, shocking disclosures and insights, which is causing you to feel uncertain and worried about the future. Any man would be feeling similar emotions. I feel for you and your children, and have written the following to provide you with some encouragement and practical assistance.

I'm not Canadian so can't help with Canada-specific advice, and there are still many many scenarios that are unique to you, your family and your surroundings which we don't know about. With those disclaimers in mind, I will offer the below tips for consideration. I hope it helps.

All the best and may God bless you and your children.

Sincerely,
Steady Hands

Core Principles

First, this is a complex situation so let's simplify it with some broad principles to help you stay on track:

1. Focus on your future goals and strongest values
2. Seek legal advice, get information and objective data
3. Seek and maintain social support
4. Maintain your emotional state, mental health, and spiritual practice
5. Maintain your physical health

Details and Action Plan

Second, let's get into some more detail

1. Gain clarity and get strategic

As you humbly expanded in detail following your initial post, the situation has been made a lot clearer to the readers. In short, there is no way to "fix" the relationship with your wife, and you seem to already know that. Trying to "win her back" will almost certainly not give you the ideal outcome you're looking for. I think you know this, but due to your stress it's hard to think clearly. So, it's probably in your best interest to do whatever you can to focus your mind on strategic actions moving forward.

I know you are feeling compelled to run away and leave it all behind, and I 100% get that. Given that you wrote "Typing "never see my children" hurts my brain, I don't think I can do that" it *seems* that this instinct is best accepted, integrated, and put aside. Avoiding or escaping the situation may seem like the most straightforward way to minimize the pain you're feeling now. Yet you also seem to be aware that if you were to leave, you would miss your children and feel guilt about running away. I can't say what you should do. What I can say is that many men have felt similar things to what you're going through now. Hopefully their experiences can help inform your next set of choices and actions.

Now, start drafting a plan in writing, just for yourself, and adjust as needed based on the following.

2. Get informed

If you haven't done so already...

a. Consult with a legal professional specialising in this area. If you can afford it, get a second opinion. Seek legal advice from multiple sources.

b. Understand the law better. Do your own research and understand the law, and what has changed in recent years. E.g., https://www.spectrumfamilylaw.ca/blog/ab/canadas-divorce-act-overview-2025-update/

c. Gather objective data. Start taking more notes, recordings, and observations. Keep any comments for later use as objective as possible

3. Do not try to do this alone. Get support!

a. Seek social and practical support from trusted people that you already know

Call your friends and family who may be able to offer emotional-social and/or practical help. Don't be afraid to call someone you haven't spoken to for a while. Given your story, they may be sympathetic even if you haven't talked for sometime.

b. Seek social and practical support from men who have been through similar experiences

Based on a very quick reading of some websites (e.g., https://www.gov.mb.ca/familylaw/relationships/divorce.html), it seems that many aspects of divorce law in Canada are determined based on federal rulings. However, many differences exist at a state/province level (see https://kellyjordanfamilylaw.com/2022/07/7-things-you-should-know-about-canadian-divorce-laws/). Perhaps you can benefit from gaining advice and resources from elsewhere beyond your state/province.

-> Consider contacting CiK members in Canada in case they have knowledge or contacts. You can search for keywords here and send them a PM or tag them here.

-> Consider seeking support from your local church elders and parishioners

-> Consider joining some men's support groups. Here are some I found online:

National & Provincial Networks

• Canadian Centre for Men and Families (CCMF): This is Canada's primary hub for men's services, with physical locations and online programs across the country. They offer a Men’s Peer Support Group (MPSG)specifically for those facing separation, divorce, and custody issues.
  • Locations: Toronto, Vancouver, Calgary/Edmonton, Ottawa, and York Region.
  • Special Programs: They host "Fathering After Separation or Divorce" workshops and legal information clinics to help you understand your rights and improve co-parenting.
• DivorceCare: A global, faith-based network with numerous 13-week support groups throughout Canada. While these groups are often co-ed, many men find them helpful for structured healing. Use the DivorceCare Group Finder to find a local meeting.
• Men’s Sheds Canada: For a more informal, activity-based approach, Men’s Sheds provide a place where men can work on projects together while talking "shoulder-to-shoulder" about life challenges like divorce.

Regional & Local Groups

• Alberta:
  • Resolve Legal Group (Calgary): Hosts the Men's Divorce Support Crew, a peer network for men to share experiences and receive free legal information.
  • WJW Counselling (St. Albert): Offers a "Counselling/Reunification" group for men navigating family court and reunification.
• Ontario:
  • First Step Men’s Therapy (Toronto/Online): Specializes in male-focused divorce therapy and support for issues like co-parenting and rebuilding identity.
  • MDI (Mentor Discover Inspire): Operates a "Divorce Separation Support for Men" group in Toronto focused on accountability and masculine leadership.
• British Columbia:
  • Transitioning Through Divorce: A Meetup-based group in Richmond and Vancouver that holds discussions like "How to divorce and not wreck the kids".
• Quebec:
  • The Men’s Centre (Montreal): Provides specific support for men dealing with divorce, custody, and access issues.

Online-Only Options

• MensGroup.com: A dedicated online platform offering men-only support groups for divorce, separation, and general well-being, accessible from anywhere in Canada.
• ManKind Project (MKP): Offers peer-led "I-Groups" across Canada focused on emotional growth and connection.

4. Understand, plan for, and manage present challenges to your emotional state and mental health
5. Prioritize your physical health

Right now, you seem to still be in a state of shock, uncertainty, and fear. This is likely causing you a lot of distress. This is not just unpleasant to experience in the moment, it can also cloud your thinking, and lead you to make decisions which you may regret later.

It is absolutely imperative that you do your best to support your own emotional state and mental fitness, your spiritual life with your church, and your bodily state.

In times like this, men's health tends to suffer - their sleep, diet, exercise, and so on. This further worsens their mental health and outlook. Thus, having a regular routine for taking care of their bodily state and for stress relief is *essential* - e.g., hitting the gym. Workout and find similar health coping mechanisms that help you regulate your emotions in a sustainable way.

I've written a fair amount about principles 4 and 5 here on CiK, so to avoid any more information overload I'll leave it there for now.

Resources

First, this is a rough overview on the process:

'Most Men Have No Idea What Divorce Really Does to Them'


As Rich Cooper is from Canada, I'll note that he has a pricey short course on divorce here: https://the-school-of-entrepreneurship3.teachable.com/p/the-unplugged-alphas-guide-to-divorce. Disclaimer: I cannot vouch for the value of this, but it may be worth asking around online if anyone has paid for it. An AI overview follows:

What the course claims to do​

The sales page frames “The Unplugged Alphas Guide To Divorce” as a mindset and strategy program for men to navigate Western divorce, avoid common mistakes, and push for shared parenting rather than becoming an “every‑other‑weekend” father.

Key stated goals include:

• Help you maintain “sanity, freedom, speed” through the divorce process.
• Show you how to pursue a custody plan that lets you parent your children equally (shared parenting).
• “Unplug” you from what Cooper describes as comforting lies and chivalrous attitudes that get men “destroyed” in divorce.
• Share lessons from his own divorce, thousands of coaching calls, and many hours with family lawyers and podcast guests.

The pitch explicitly stresses that men are often treated as “disposable,” that “visitation is a scam,” and that what you do during the divorce sets the tone for years, especially around parenting time and decision‑making.

Curriculum: listed modules and focus​

The public curriculum on the page lists the video lessons with approximate durations, but not their internal sub‑topics. Here is what is shown, with an explanation of the apparent intent of each module based on its title and surrounding copy:

• Introduction to The Course (4:36).
  Likely sets expectations, explains who the course is for (primarily men in or approaching divorce), and outlines how to use the material.
• Preparing For Divorce (18:29).
  Framed as prep work before anything is filed: mental framing, financial organization, understanding likely outcomes, and doing “homework” before taking legal action, with an emphasis on taking the process seriously rather than being passive.
• Who Files First (5:04).
  Addresses strategic pros and cons of filing first versus responding, in line with Cooper’s general message that men should be proactive rather than waiting to be served.
• Leavee v Leavor (5:46).
  Differentiates between the person who leaves and the one who is left, and how that affects leverage, emotions, and behavior during the proceedings.
• Picking a Lawyer (6:25).
  Focuses on choosing legal representation, framed through Cooper’s experience spending “tens of thousands” on lawyers and talking to many family lawyers on his shows. Emphasis is on finding someone aligned with your goals rather than assuming any lawyer will do.
• Getting The Most Out of Your Lawyer (1:45).
  Short segment likely about being organized, concise, and strategic so you don’t waste billable hours and get clearer direction.
• A Few “Don’t Dos” (6:43).
  Outlines behaviors Cooper considers high‑risk for men in divorce: emotional blow‑ups, naive trust in verbal promises, impulsive moves that can hurt custody or property outcomes.
• Getting Shared Parenting (20:46).
  One of the longest lessons: the core argument is that typical “visitation” turns fathers into “every other weekend parents,” which he calls the “screw over daddy deal.” It stresses negotiating for a shared parenting plan in the settlement so you retain both time with and decision‑making power over your children.
• Getting Red Pilled on Divorce (13:43).
  Applies his broader “Unplugged Alpha” lens to divorce, aiming to reframe expectations about how courts, lawyers, and spouses behave in Western, feminist‑leaning jurisdictions.
• Avoiding a False DV Charge (16:00).
  Focuses on Cooper’s view that men must be cautious about situations that could lead to allegations of domestic violence, because such claims can heavily affect custody and outcomes.
• Grey Area Stuff (6:17).
  Likely deals with situations not clearly covered by simple rules—ambiguous behavior, informal arrangements, or borderline actions during separation that can still matter legally or strategically.
• Options to Consider Aside From Divorce (14:01).
  Discusses alternatives or adjacent paths (e.g., separation, negotiation, perhaps pre‑emptive planning before marriage or before things deteriorate), tying into his broader stance that men should understand divorce risks before marrying at all.
• Closing Thoughts (16:01).
  Wrap‑up emphasizing mindset, long‑term consequences, and using the experience to rebuild, consistent with his claim that divorce drove him to consider “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” before he turned his wounds into his work.

Those are the only modules and times made public; any additional documents, examples, or bonus lectures inside the course are not visible on the sales page.

Format, price, and access​

From the FAQ section on the page:

• Format:
  • Video‑based “mindset course” hosted on Teachable.
  • Emphasis on principles and strategy; not a jurisdiction‑specific legal course.
  • Framed as general to “Western family law” in first‑world, feminist countries such as the USA, Canada, UK, Australia, etc.
• Access and updates:
  • Lifetime access to all current lectures.
  • Lifetime access to any new content added on Teachable for this course.
• Price and value claim:
  • Listed price: 197 USD on the Teachable product card.
  • Justified by referencing “over 1,000 private consults” and a claimed consulting rate of 4,000 USD per hour, with the course pitched as a distilled, lower‑cost alternative.
• Group coaching / community:
  • Group coaching is not automatically included.
  • An “order bump” is offered at checkout and on the thank‑you page to add access to a community and monthly Zoom group coaching calls.
  • The course page also mentions a “free community,” but clarifies in the FAQ that group coaching is separate.

Target audience and limitations​

The course is clearly targeted at men, particularly fathers, but the FAQ notes:

• Men in or approaching divorce in Western, feminist‑leaning jurisdictions (North America, UK, Australia, similar).
• Women can buy the course; Cooper says “high value” women who married down (e.g., to a lower‑earning or stay‑at‑home dad) and have divorce law used against them may find it useful, but he directs them to a women‑only Facebook page.

Stated limitations:

• Cooper is not a lawyer and the course is not legal advice.
• It is “NOT a replacement for legal advice,” but a complement focused on mindset and general strategy.
• It is not region‑specific; for local law issues, the page urges you to consult a family lawyer where you live.
• It is most useful before or during the divorce process, especially before final orders, because that is when you can still influence custody and settlement; after divorce, it’s presented as helpful mainly for hindsight.

Second, in the above video, Rich recommended Ryan Bensen who discussed related topics here: 'PTW # 106 - Ryan Bensen, How The Rich Divorce & Stay Rich ‪@StayRichShow‬'. Streamed live on Nov 4, 2025

Ryan Bensen is an expert witness and litigation consultant for high net worth divorce cases. Since 2011 Ryan has worked with courts to determine appropriate business valuations and with clients to achieve overwhelmingly favorable outcomes. He has uncovered in excess of $250M in hidden assets and turned many ex-wives into multi-millionaires.Divorce is equal; it isn’t fair. In cases where tens of millions or more are up for grabs, facts don’t matter. Persuasion wins. Whoever appears more credible is deemed more credible. Whoever seems more honest is treated as such. Whoever plays best wins.

^ I recommend listening to this for some credible advice from an expert in the area. AI summary of the video:

Summary of Video Content: Interview with Ryan Benson on High Net Worth Divorce Strategies​

This episode features Ryan Benson, a forensic accountant specializing in high net worth and ultra high net worth divorce cases. Benson shares his extensive experience—spanning nearly 15 years—in forensic accounting, business valuation, and litigation consulting focused on helping clients protect or extract assets during divorce proceedings.

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Core Concepts and Professional Background​

• Forensic Accounting: Ryan defines forensic accounting as the detailed examination of financial records—including bank statements, tax returns, and credit card statements—used in court to uncover hidden assets and accurately value businesses or income streams for alimony, spousal support, or child support.
• Role in Divorce: He initially worked mostly representing women seeking to locate hidden assets but now primarily consults men, especially those who may be self-represented, helping them emotionally regulate and strategically navigate the divorce process.
• Consulting Focus: Ryan assists men in understanding how to communicate effectively with business valuators and legal professionals to avoid inflated asset valuations that could unfairly increase financial obligations.

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Key Insights on Divorce Finance and Legal Strategy​

• Preparation Is Critical: Ryan stresses that men often fail by not preparing for divorce—either through prenuptial agreements or postnuptial updates—which are essential to protect assets in high net worth marriages.
• Asset Valuation Timeline: Courts commonly review financial records going back 3 to 5 years from the date of separation, so financial behavior changes around this time are highly scrutinized.
• Jurisdictional Variability: Divorce laws vary by jurisdiction, with some U.S. states applying equitable distribution (not necessarily 50/50) based on contribution, while most Western systems still tend to favor women financially.
• Financial Abuse Defined: Financial abuse can involve controlling access to money or credit cards, or imposing restrictive spending limits, which may be seen as behavioral control.

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Psychological and Relational Dynamics in Divorce​

• Emotional Regulation: Maintaining composure during divorce proceedings is crucial. Ryan notes that men’s anger is often misinterpreted as abuse, whereas women’s emotional outbursts are more socially accepted.
• Women’s Focus on Lifestyle vs. Money: Women tend to prioritize maintaining a certain lifestyle post-divorce rather than the raw dollar amount. Conveying what financial settlements mean in terms of lifestyle helps facilitate agreements.
  • Type 1: Reasonable, amicable, focused on fair settlement and co-parenting.
  • Type 2: Financially savvy, seeking fairness, more common today.
  • Type 3: Hostile, litigious, makes the process painful and contentious.
  • Type 4: Publicly destructive, uses media and social platforms to damage reputations.
  • Ryan estimates that only about 10-20% of divorces involve Type 1 ex-wives, with most falling into Types 2 and 3, and a smaller but significant portion into Type 4.

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Practical Advice on Marriage and Divorce​

• Prenuptial and Postnuptial Agreements: Essential for protecting business assets and wealth; should be revisited with major financial changes.
• Choosing a Spouse: Ryan advises men to seek partners who are supportive, respectful, and emotionally attuned rather than materially motivated. A partner who supports leadership and shared growth is key.
• Marriage Today: The “bar is high” for marriage due to legal and financial risks. Men should carefully evaluate whether the relationship justifies the potential costs of divorce.
  • Not preparing for divorce realistically.
  • Reacting impulsively by hiding assets after divorce papers arrive.
  • Failing to maintain emotional control and strategic communication.

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Notable Case Examples​

• A high-profile case involved a man whose divorce was reopened decades later due to hidden real estate and alleged (but unproven) criminal activities. Ryan helped his client refocus on verifiable financial facts, avoiding costly “fishing expeditions.”
• Another case featured a businessman with a dog breeding enterprise and an affair with a significantly younger employee, revealing how personal misconduct complicates the divorce process and can escalate hostility.

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Final Recommendations​

• Men should prepare financially and emotionally before marriage and throughout the relationship.
• Use prenups and postnups to clarify asset division and protect business interests.
• Understand the legal environment of the jurisdiction and seek expert help early.
• Maintain emotional discipline and communicate strategically during divorce.
• Evaluate potential spouses carefully, prioritizing emotional support and partnership over materialism.

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Contact Information​

• Website: stbridgedeivorce.com
• Instagram: @StbridgeDivorce
• YouTube: Stay Show

Ryan encourages men, especially those with significant income or business interests, to seek his guidance for navigating divorce and protecting their wealth.

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This interview offers a detailed, experience-based perspective on the complexities of high net worth divorces, emphasizing preparation, emotional intelligence, and strategic financial management as keys to minimizing losses and achieving better outcomes.

More from Ryan:

'Legal Expert Ryan Bensen Gives Advice on Litigation, Manhood, Marriage, Fatherhood & More


This is Ryan's book - https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0FBWN6ZTJ

Disclaimer: I have not read it. AI overview:

“How the Rich Get Divorced: (and Stay Rich)” is a short, strategy‑driven book aimed at high‑net‑worth men who want to get through divorce fast while preserving as much of their wealth and future quality of life as possible. Below are the core messages the author emphasizes, explained in more detail.

1. Divorce is a game of persuasion, not fairness​

• The book argues that “divorce is equal; it isn’t fair”: both spouses have access to the system, but outcomes are often irrational and emotionally driven, especially when tens of millions are at stake.
• In this world, the person who appears more credible, honest, and reasonable is treated as such, regardless of what is strictly “true” on paper.
• Judges and opposing counsel are human; they respond to narratives, demeanour, and consistency more than raw facts and spreadsheets.
• The rich who keep their wealth accept that they are in a persuasion contest and behave accordingly: they control their emotions, present clean, logical stories, and avoid outbursts and impulsive decisions that make them look unstable or vindictive.

Example: Two spouses present similar financial data, but the one who comes across as calm, honest, and focused on the children’s wellbeing is far more likely to get a favourable ruling than the one who is angry and combative, even if the angry spouse has “better facts.”

2. Reframe divorce like a business negotiation​

• A central theme is reframing divorce from a personal catastrophe into a business process where the goal is a “quick, inexpensive, amicable” resolution with assets as intact as possible.
• The author encourages treating the divorce like a large, complex deal: define objectives, understand the counterpart’s incentives, and structure offers and compromises that reduce risk and cost rather than “win every point.”
• Rich clients who fare best think in terms of cost–benefit: they will trade off some money or terms today if it avoids years of litigation that burn fees and distract from business and future earning potential.
• This business‑like framing also helps control emotions: instead of fixating on perceived betrayals, you focus on protecting capital, income streams, and family stability.

3. Play the person, not just the law​

• The book emphasizes that the rich don’t just “play the law”; they “play the person”—their ex, opposing counsel, and the court system itself.
• That means tailoring strategy to the ex‑spouse’s personality: their fears, ego, desire for status, sensitivity to conflict, and ability to understand money versus lifestyle.
• It also means understanding how different ex‑wife “archetypes” react in negotiations and litigation, and adjusting tone, offers, and timing to lower escalation rather than trigger more aggression.
• With courts and judges, “playing the person” includes appearing reasonable, solution‑oriented, and child‑focused so that your proposals look like the sensible baseline rather than an extreme position.

Example: Instead of arguing abstract numbers, the book suggests explaining what a proposed settlement actually buys in terms of housing, schooling, and lifestyle, which can make a previously resisted offer suddenly acceptable.

4. Use planning, prenups, and structure long before trouble​

• A major message is that the richest and most protected clients prepare before divorce is on the horizon, through marital “audits,” prenuptial and postnuptial agreements, and thoughtful asset structuring.
• Prenups and postnups are framed not as romantic pessimism but as risk‑management tools that define expectations and reduce later ambiguity in high‑asset relationships.
• The author also highlights the role of international business structures and tax havens—trusts, holding companies, offshore entities—where assets may legally reside and how these affect disclosure, valuation, and division.
• However, he stresses that hiding assets clumsily is dangerous; poor planning or undisclosed holdings can backfire badly in court when uncovered, damaging credibility and inviting punitive outcomes.

5. Control legal costs and avoid the “lawyer trap”​

• A recurring theme in the author’s broader content is that many lawyers have incentives to drag out cases, turning wealthy couples into “college funds” for their attorneys’ children.
• The book pushes readers to stay in control of strategy rather than letting litigation drift: set clear goals, timelines, and fee expectations, and resist unnecessary motions and fights that don’t materially change the outcome.
• It encourages using experts surgically—like forensic accountants or valuation specialists—when they materially change leverage, but not letting an army of professionals eat the estate.
• Settlement is presented as a strategic win, not a moral failure: the richest clients aim to resolve disputes as soon as a “good enough” deal is on the table, instead of chasing a perfect victory.

6. Understand valuation, hidden assets, and lifestyle​

• As a forensic accountant, the author focuses on how wealth actually shows up in divorce: business valuations, income normalization, hidden or under‑reported assets, and lifestyle analysis.
• He explains that in high‑net‑worth cases, the real fight is often over the value of businesses, carried interests, stock options, and deferred compensation, not just bank balances.
• The book also discusses how to detect or address hidden assets and undisclosed income and why failing to anticipate these issues can leave you blindsided.
• There is emphasis on distinguishing “money” from “lifestyle”: showing a spouse concretely what a settlement buys in terms of yearly living standard can unlock agreement more effectively than abstract lump sums.

7. Mindset: from victim to strategic leader​

• The author pushes a mindset shift: stop being “the guy crying in the corner” and instead act as a strategic leader for yourself and your children.
• Divorce is portrayed as one of only two possible endings to a marriage (the other being death), so planning for it is treated as rational, not cynical.
• He frames the process as an opportunity for self‑improvement—getting fitter, more disciplined, and more intentional about your life and legacy—rather than just surviving a legal war.
• Even after divorce, he stresses that your ex remains part of your extended family as the mother of your children, so preserving a workable relationship is both a financial and emotional asset.

8. Practical tactics the book highlights​

From the available descriptions and related discussions, some of the concrete tactics and themes include:

• Keep the process as quick and inexpensive as possible; time is money in high‑asset divorces.
• Use personality‑driven litigation and negotiation strategies instead of one‑size‑fits‑all legal tactics.
• Prepare financially (marital audits, documentation, clean records) so you are never reacting from a position of weakness.
• Avoid overtly vindictive moves that look bad to a judge, even if they feel emotionally satisfying.
• Think in terms of your long‑term wealth, reputation, and relationship with your children, not just the “score” of the settlement.

 

[Servant of Christ]

Given the circumstances, infidelity, malicious intent, lack of reptenance, it does not sound like the marriage can be saved, and in my opinion you do not owe her your time or money, at this point. Your kids are the priority now. That is the one thing I heard where I agree with your wife.

Because she is so focused on the money, I would remove that from the equation. That's just me. I would give away my money and possessions and become a monk or a priest or something. That is the first thing that comes to mind, in your situation. Give your life to God. You could still see your kids.

Anyway, I don't know the "correct" answer, but I will continue to pray for you, and your children. Be the best dad you can be and stay close to God and things will be okay, somehow.

In Christ,

SoC

 

[magoo]

Dear Quagmire,

I welcome you to the forum, though I'm saddened to hear about your predicament. It sounds like you've recently been faced with a number of hard, shocking disclosures and insights, which is causing you to feel uncertain and worried about the future. Any man would be feeling similar emotions. I feel for you and your children, and have written the following to provide you with some encouragement and practical assistance.

I'm not Canadian so can't help with Canada-specific advice, and there are still many many scenarios that are unique to you, your family and your surroundings which we don't know about. With those disclaimers in mind, I will offer the below tips for consideration. I hope it helps.

All the best and may God bless you and your children.

Sincerely,
Steady Hands

Core Principles

First, this is a complex situation so let's simplify it with some broad principles to help you stay on track:

1. Focus on your future goals and strongest values
2. Seek legal advice, get information and objective data
3. Seek and maintain social support
4. Maintain your emotional state, mental health, and spiritual practice
5. Maintain your physical health

Details and Action Plan

Second, let's get into some more detail

1. Gain clarity and get strategic

As you humbly expanded in detail following your initial post, the situation has been made a lot clearer to the readers. In short, there is no way to "fix" the relationship with your wife, and you seem to already know that. Trying to "win her back" will almost certainly not give you the ideal outcome you're looking for. I think you know this, but due to your stress it's hard to think clearly. So, it's *probably* in your best interest to do whatever you can to focus your mind on strategic actions moving forward.

I know you are feeling compelled to run away and leave it all behind, and I 100% get that. Since you have wrote "Typing "never see my children" hurts my brain, I don't think I can do that" it *seems* that this instinct is best accepted, integrated, and put aside. Avoiding or escaping the situation may seem like the most straightforward way to minimize the pain you're feeling now. Yet you also seem to be aware that if you were to leave, you would miss your children and feel guilt about running away. I can't say what you should do. What I can say is that many men have felt similar things to what you're going through now. Hopefully their experiences can help inform your next set of choices and actions.

Now, start drafting a plan in writing, just for yourself, and adjust as needed based on the following.

2. Get informed!

If you haven't done so already...

a. Consult with a legal professional specialising in this area. If you can afford, it get a second opinion. Seek legal advice from multiple sources.

b. Understand the law better. Do your own research and understand the law, and what has changed in recent years. E.g., https://www.spectrumfamilylaw.ca/blog/ab/canadas-divorce-act-overview-2025-update/

c. Gather objective data. Start taking more notes, recordings, and observations. Keep any comments for later use as objective as possible

3. Do not try to do this alone. Get support!

a. Seek social and practical support from trusted people that you already know

Call your friends and family who may be able to offer emotional-social and/or practical help. Don't be afraid to call someone you haven't spoken to for a while. Given your story, they may be sympathetic even if you haven't talked for a while

b. Seek social and practical support from men who have been through similar experiences

Based on a very quick reading of some websites (e.g., https://www.gov.mb.ca/familylaw/relationships/divorce.html), it seems that many aspects of divorce law in Canada are determined based on federal rulings. However, many differences exist at a state/province level (see https://kellyjordanfamilylaw.com/2022/07/7-things-you-should-know-about-canadian-divorce-laws/). Perhaps you can benefit from gaining advice and resources from elsewhere beyond your state/province.

-> Consider contacting CiK members in Canada in case they have knowledge or contacts. You can search for keywords here and send them a PM or tag them here.

-> Consider seeking support from your local church elders and parishioners

-> Consider joining some men's support groups. Here are some I found online:



4. Understand, plan for, and manage present challenges to your emotional state and mental health
5. Prioritize your physical health

Right now, you seem to still be in a state of shock, uncertainty, and fear. This is likely causing you a lot of distress. This is not just unpleasant to experience in the moment, it can also cloud your thinking, and lead you to make decisions which you may regret later.

It is absolutely imperative that you do your best to support your own emotional state and mental fitness, your spiritual life with your church, and your bodily state.

In times like this, men's health tends to suffer - their sleep, diet, exercise, and so on. This further worsens their mental health and outlook. Thus, having a regular routine for taking care of their bodily state and for stress relief is *essential* - e.g., hitting the gym. Workout and find similar health coping mechanisms that help you regulate your emotions in a sustainable way.

I've written a fair amount about principles 4 and 5 here on CiK, so to avoid any more information overload I'll leave it there for now.

Resources

First, this is a rough overview on the process:

'Most Men Have No Idea What Divorce Really Does to Them'


As Rich Cooper is from Canada, I'll note that he has a pricey short course on divorce here: https://the-school-of-entrepreneurship3.teachable.com/p/the-unplugged-alphas-guide-to-divorce. Disclaimer: I cannot vouch for the value of this, but it may be worth asking around online if anyone has paid for it. An AI overview follows:



Second, in the above video, Rich recommended Ryan Bensen who discussed related topics here: 'PTW # 106 - Ryan Bensen, How The Rich Divorce & Stay Rich ‪@StayRichShow‬'. Streamed live on Nov 4, 2025



^ I recommend listening to this for some credible advice from an expert in the area. AI summary of the video:



More from Ryan:

'Legal Expert Ryan Bensen Gives Advice on Litigation, Manhood, Marriage, Fatherhood & More


This is Ryan's book - https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0FBWN6ZTJ

Disclaimer: I have not read it. AI overview:

There´s no reason for this to reach divorce or seek any legal advice adding to expenses. Besides cheating there´s no real reason for any divorce to happen because of female behavior.

The only thing he needs to do is hire a maid. Tell her you will pay for a maid. Test it for 1 month. Maid should clean dishes. Make beds. Wash clothes. Iron them and place in drawers. Besides clean all house. Some maids will even make a big bowl of soup divide it in small packages and put them in the freezer. During week wife just needs to heat it up. She manages the maid. You pay.

Having a maid 24h sucks. Cause of privacy issues. When I was little one time my mum wasn´t at home. And she forgot to tell the maid what she should cook for us. And I grab a piece of paper and made an incredible menu. Squeezed orange juice. French fries. Steak. Ahahahahah. The maid was african and she made one african dish one time. It tasted like shit. And we had to search the entire city for the ingredients.

The women was never taught house cords. Because her parents always believed she would find a husband with enough financial ease to pay for help. Instead of her being treated like a 17th century peasant. You took her out of her parents house for her to live like shit? The burden of children eases as they grow. BUT and I tell my wife this sometimes. Enjoy the time we have with them. Cause when they reach college we will not see them as often.

I also didn´t knew any handy work. Nowadays I can fix stuff that I never imagined 10 years ago. I understand logic on machines which is really different than college. I enjoy learning. Since corona. I have this urge to become selfsustainable.

Why would a women do plumbing in a house is beyond me. Or work on the floor?!???? loooll. If I saw my wife doing something like that I would feel ashamed and a faillure. would tell her to immediately stop. That´s a man job. Why hummiliate her. The question is not if she can or not do all house cords. She obviously can. It´s why would you want her to slave herself and be in a bad mood if you have the capacity to pay for help? Why not only enjoy the best of your wife.

Lastly catholics don´t divorce. With three children this is even an embarassing topic.

 

[magoo]

So many responses... thank each one of you.

On Sunday my wife showered in the morning, said she was going on "an errand" for an hour, left for 4 hours, and b-lined for the shower as soon as she got home and showered again, all without her rings on. She wouldn't look at me when I asked her if she was with someone and said "my main focus is the kids right now".

So, read from that what you will.

This proves nothing.

Also, in Canada, a divorced dad has to oay 50% of extra curricular activities on top of child support, so now that we're separated, she and my in laws have enrolled my daughter in hockey, which is the most expensive sport in the country, 10-15k per year, but its all 50% off now to them. My daughter likes dance and music, but my father in law is the type that says "I almost went pro, but I hurt my shoulder..."

So they pay half. And you are complaining? You should pay 100%. I mean of course hockey is kinda strange for a girl. She should do ballet or gymnastics. You see what´s happening? They will turn the girl into a lesbian. You have to be there.
They might want the girl to be introduced to rich kids. So she doesnt end up living like a 17th century peasant.

My wife, when we were courting said she was catholic and was on board with my Catholicism but she didn't know what to do in mass... would always "get a headache" and not come with me... Anyway, her parents baptized her at 8 years old in order to get a discount on the catholic school board, turns out they mock religion and actively don't believe in it, so my wife didn't develop spiritually the way I did.

They don´t care about religion but put their daughter in a catholic school? Something is not right in this statement.

I earn in the top 10% of the country, so by divorcing me she'll make as much after tax as a red seal carpenter, and never have to work. In our marriage, I pay everything and give her 1300$ per month to spend.

1300$???Looll.

She wants more money, we don't have any,

You don´t have any? You say you earn 10% of the country.

and I encourage her to go work and earn more if 1300$ isn't enough.

Lool

She counters with "i have done my research, I know how much you'll have to pay me if I divorce you. You'll never own a home for the rest of your life!". So based on that, the power dynamics shifted.

Her parents are behind this. but can you really blame them?

She never learned to cook, she sleeps in til noon. I admonished her for it and told her I needed her to fill the motherly role in the home,

Sleeping till noon is bad. And she seems to be depressed.

so she rebelled and tried her hand at plumbing and flooded the basement. Tried her hand at fixing the woodwork, broke all the wood work. Etc.

Why would a women hands do plumbing? You want her to have silky hands to rub your backs. What is this.

She was always rebelling, blowing all her money on fast food and trinkets...

She buys fast food probably cause she doesnt have money for normal food.

leaving her hair iron on, kid goes to the hospital and has thick scars for life. She was brushing my daughters teeth with no tooth paste on the brush for the first two years of her life (I work overnights sometimes so I can't be the tooth brusher, we agreed that was her) - by the time I figured out the tooth thing it was too late, my daughter teeth rotted. At least they're baby teeth but what a distress for me.. Anyway, I came down on her hard about these things and she just got tired of being held to a "high" standard.

Hire a maid.

Anyway, shes turned her emotional connection to me off and there are multiple signs of another man involved.

This is the only real issue if true. But lack of emotional connection can be redeemed with a good night of wild sex. Fuck her good. Cheating is not redeemable.

I also have a disabled child who shensays she wants to institutionalize when he gets older because she doesnt want to be stuck with his care - she will keep him until he doesnt bring in child support and then hand him over. I love him dearly, I would prefer to just raise him myself.

You prefer to raise him yourself? in Argentina?

I misjudged her intentions when she married me perhaps, but she wasn't always a harpy, she was my sweet girl who just wasn't actually interested in the half work it takes to be a mother and in being married during an economic downturn and living frugally.

So you ruined her. Through bad guidance.

I can't foresee a life that is a fraction as satisfying as what we could have had if she had just stayed true to our vows and tried a little harder.

She will do and obey what you tell her too.

I cannot afford to live in this city post-divorce. What do you think of these two options:

A) join the military, live on base in a shack (single room, have couch, TV, computer, eat at mess hall) hardly everbsee kids, but I would not really get to see them anyway...

B) move to Argentina, teach english with CELTA certification, never see my kids. Citizenship attainable after two years. Typing "never see my children" hurts my brain, I don't think I can do that.

Both shit options.

Right now though, I'd be entitled to about 34k per year out of 105k salary. Subtract from that "hockey" costs.

You will be raped in a divorce court. And any divorce lawyer you hire will fleece you. You think hockey is bad? wait for the retainer.

Guys I can't foresee a future that even remotely satisfies me. I just want to be the head of my household and watch my children grow with my wife. I can't make someone else want that too though.

Hire a maid.

Sorry for the blog post. Christ have mercy, pray for me.

You are tired. She is tired. Take a break. She is not a casual date. Or a girlfriend. She is your wife. And mother of children. Not disposable. She is giving you a shit test. Dont fall for it. But this is probably the works of her parents. I dont think after putting their daughter through private school they imagined she would end up doing plumbing. I only have boys. But if i had a daughter and I knew she would been doing plumbing. Things would turn rough on her husband.
You have to spend more money with your family the easy or hard way. Lawyers and courts in private family matters. Disgraceful. They have no place being there. The level of desperation of the women to reach this point.