Help with an ex issue, not a joke or troll

KulturedKaveman

KulturedKaveman

Orthodox
Heritage
I’m in an awful situation. It’s about an ex gf from 10 years ago who I legit wanted to marry. I’d like to win her back or if she’s been spoken for, I’d like to find someone similar so I can find some peace. I’m all ears. I’ve done serious discernment before posting this. This is a community I honestly think might hear out my situation and lend a helping hand. I’m planning on speaking to a subdeacon in my parish about this too.

The situation:
I had a woman who would’ve converted to orthodoxy with me but I stuck with some old pagan beliefs that caused some serious delusions. These delusions drove her away. I denounced those gods, and I resumed my Christian journey, and I got confirmed into the Orthodox Church and they’re all gone now.

I have a game plan on how to approach this. I know where she is in life and us getting back together would be like strapping jetpacks on her place in life. Book of Hosea anyone?

I just am not quite sure how to approach this. I know we dunk on the term oneitis but I’ve decided this old flame is worth reigniting, putting it all on the table, and if rejected, maturely walk away. I’m not the same person I was a decade ago. In fact, I’m the person I should’ve been a decade ago. I’m not sure how to attack this. All help is welcome.
 
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KulturedKaveman said:
I’m in an awful situation. It’s about an ex gf from 10 years ago who I legit wanted to marry. I’d like to win her back or if she’s been spoken for, I’d like to find someone similar so I can find some peace. I’m all ears. I’ve done serious discernment before posting this. This is a community I honestly think might hear out my situation and lend a helping hand. I’m planning on speaking to a subdeacon in my parish about this too.

The situation:
I had a woman who would’ve converted to orthodoxy with me but I stuck with some old pagan beliefs that caused some serious delusions. These delusions drove her away. I denounced those gods, and I resumed my Christian journey, and I got confirmed into the Orthodox Church and they’re all gone now.

I have a game plan on how to approach this. I know where she is in life and us getting back together would be like strapping jetpacks on her place in life. Book of Hosea anyone?

I just am not quite sure how to approach this. I know we dunk on the term oneitis but I’ve decided this old flame is worth reigniting, putting it all on the table, and if rejected, maturely walk away. I’m not the same person I was a decade ago. In fact, I’m the person I should’ve been a decade ago. I’m not sure how to attack this. All help is welcome.
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I wouldn't overthink it.

Id reach out to her...she how she is and feel the situation out.

If you remind her of all the good things and show genuine change... You might have a shot. If not... It's not in God's plan.
 
KulturedKaveman said:
I’m in an awful situation. It’s about an ex gf from 10 years ago
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What's so awful about it?

There was a good person you cared about years ago. You have improved yourself and turned to God.
You reach out to her and tell her positive ways she affected you, she feels happy and complimented.
You share your journey and improvement and tell her you thought about her. She is flattered, and maybe even happy/excited.
It might be a long shot for anything beyond that but it all seems like sunshine to me. Who knows, she may even have a nice girl in mind for you if she's not available. If not, you made her day, you can feel happy in bringing joy to her, and you continue from right where you were yesterday.
 
I agree with the advice posted above. I'll also add that if it doesn't work out with this girl, when you find the one who'll become the mother of your children, the girl you want to get back together with now will just become a pleasant memory, nothing more, like any other women in your past. For a decent man who cares about his children there's their mother and other women, and their mother is the only woman who matters.
 
As advised above, don't overthink anything. You could reach out. Either she will be interested or not.

If she is, great. If not move on. God's will be done.

It can be easy to overthink and place too much weight in the outcome of these things. We tell ourselves we have to rehearse and reread our message 120 times to get it right so that we can engineer the outcome we desire. Forget the outcome, shoot your shot, if you miss move on, it wasn't meant to be. Overthinking and making it a bigger thing than it needs to be will result in you coming across weird.
 
Updates: shot shot - she’s very happy where she’s at and not very interested in anything I have to say. Kind of need to figure out what’s next.

My only solace is she became a complete leftist and one of those pagan-y types anyway. You know the spiritual but not religious types. It’s like wow, I used to be that way and she hated it. Also she hit the buffets really hard with her head if you get my drift. At this point my life’s direction and hers are incompatible even if god softened her heart.

I thought about looking into apps but this forum … uh… we know all about them.
 
KulturedKaveman said:
Updates: shot shot - she’s very happy where she’s at and not very interested in anything I have to say. Kind of need to figure out what’s next.

My only solace is she became a complete leftist and one of those pagan-y types anyway. You know the spiritual but not religious types. It’s like wow, I used to be that way and she hated it. Also she hit the buffets really hard with her head if you get my drift. At this point my life’s direction and hers are incompatible even if god softened her heart.

I thought about looking into apps but this forum … uh… we know all about them.
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Dude cut the chord and be free...

Are you spiritually sound and confident? If not work there. You ain't gotta be Adonis... Frankly it's a mindset and carriage as much as it is abs and muscles.

Are you physically fit? If not get fit.

Are you financially stable or abundant? If not get there.

IF the above 3 are met... You should be very easily able to find a quality gal.
 
I think we have all thought about a relationship in our past we didn't pursue. The reality is often much different than how we imagined it would be. Good on you for reaching out and putting that option to rest.

As I always say, terrain theory applies to women. Don't underestimate what living in this culture for a decade can do to a sweet girl.

The lesson to younger guys is if you have a decent option, you should probably take it. Don't hold out for something better or the right time, because time passes by quickly and the quality of women and even just the circumstances around life in the west in general are declining.

The lesson to you is examine what you liked about her, and be observant for those things in other women.
 
@KulturedKaveman thank you for sharing this. Your story has been a great Christmas gift to me.

Three years ago at this time I went through an unexpected, nasty break up and your story brought me right into further closure. There are many similarities between your story and mine. You are not alone.

However, unlike me you actually had the courage to confront your unresolved feelings. What you did was a hero move and I pray that you make a full recovery and that God provides you with a suitable wife.

God Bless you and I hope you have a Merry Christmas.

"When one door closes, another opens."
- Alexander Graham Bell
 
The Epilogue:

I never got to her personally - but I did get close to someone who was close to her. I really did love her. But it’s clear that I can’t do a thing for her. She’s happy where she’s at and not interested in anything I have to say. The problem is she’s a tough act to follow. It’s why my relationships after her all failed. The comparison - and yes. I acknowledge I shouldn’t have done that. An artsy no kids woman with an “alt look” who would have even been open to orthodoxy. I goofed. Now I have a sea of single moms and app girls.

I’ve made the following decision. I’m 33. If I don’t find my person by 38 I will become a celibate priest. I’m giving it to god and letting his judgment be final. He may have mercy and give me someone new, and if I get that I’m dedicating myself 100% to that relationship. No more reminiscing, but it has to be someone similar to her. I won’t take anyone.

on a final thought -
It’s important for guys to have spaces like this. Truth is emotional vulnerability should be for other men. Women say they like it but they don’t. The internet told them to say that so they say it and end up the Sahara desert because that’s not how God designed them. It’s “damsel in distress not dude in destress.” We need to have our guys’ back and not judge them as wusses. In regards to women, anything said in court can and will be used against you. The church would be a great tool for helping guys develop emotional maturity for stuff like this. Don’t go to your wife, mom or sister. They’ll just see you as a wuss. There are priests, deacons and subdeacons, and the community of men for that.
 
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PurpleUrkel said:
@KulturedKaveman thank you for sharing this. Your story has been a great Christmas gift to me.

Three years ago at this time I went through an unexpected, nasty break up and your story brought me right into further closure. There are many similarities between your story and mine. You are not alone.

However, unlike me you actually had the courage to confront your unresolved feelings. What you did was a hero move and I pray that you make a full recovery and that God provides you with a suitable wife.

God Bless you and I hope you have a Merry Christmas.

"When one door closes, another opens."
- Alexander Graham Bell
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Updates - the twist -

A mutual friend gave me one of her socials I’m not blocked on. They were like “I know your story, do with this what you will.” Should I even bother though?

I’ve made so much progress since my last post here. But what if we could… you know mortgage kids and all that stuff years later?
 
KulturedKaveman said:
Updates - the twist -

A mutual friend gave me one of her socials I’m not blocked on. They were like “I know your story, do with this what you will.” Should I even bother though?

I’ve made so much progress since my last post here. But what if we could… you know mortgage kids and all that stuff years later?
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Respect for reaching out here. This isn't easy to share. Some thoughts follow.

At age 23 it didn't work out. At age 33 you contacted her and she wasn't interested (and blocked you?). You noted this at the time:
KulturedKaveman said:
Updates: shot shot - she’s very happy where she’s at and not very interested in anything I have to say. Kind of need to figure out what’s next.

My only solace is she became a complete leftist and one of those pagan-y types anyway. You know the spiritual but not religious types. It’s like wow, I used to be that way and she hated it. Also she hit the buffets really hard with her head if you get my drift. At this point my life’s direction and hers are incompatible even if god softened her heart.

I thought about looking into apps but this forum … uh… we know all about them.
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I would suggest that you re-read your own comments above and then ask yourself if you still want to pursue her.

It's very easy for random people online to say "next" as the answer to any relationship problem, but in this case, the answer seems quite clear to an outsider.

Here are some suggestions to move forward. You can pick and choose some ideas that may work for you.

Stage 1: moving on
  • Accept that you had a strong attachment to your EX, that this represented a meaningful bond, but that bond is now of no use. Be gentle on yourself when you notice thoughts and feelings about her arising. These will pass.
  • Tell your friend that you have no interest in her and to never mention her again. Block and delete all social media and contact options.
  • Remove or destroy any disposal things that remind you of her.
  • Start a new thread on CIK to document your new path, as symbolic step forward.
Stage 2: mapping your path
  • At age 33 you are in prime marriage years in the eyes of women aged mid 20s to early 30s. You are in a good position.
  • Don't leave your future up to faith alone, without works. Taking control over what you can influence doesn't have to be at odds with accepting that the greater scheme of things are beyond any of our hands. I've addresses several critisisms of "game" here: https://christisking.cc/threads/the...er-enlightenment-thread.536/page-2#post-13779
  • Commit to a plan of action. You said you'll try until 38. I'd give it until 40 at least. This gives you a clear timeframe to settle down so you feel compelled to act; however, this also doesn't rush you which means you'll be less needy.
  • Write down your big picture goals by age 40 and share them with a select few people who care about you, want you to succeed, and who you respect.

Stage 3: your new life starts now
  • Develop abundance through socialising. This will take the pressure off things going right with any particular girl. Apps are risky but can work in some cases. A combination of avenues is generally recommended. Here is an experience-based framework to consider, which offers some realistic tips for Christian Men seeking to navigate the modern dating market: http://christisking.cc/threads/are-dating-apps-in-any-way-good-for-christians.119/page-3#post-2832
  • Keep working on your social skills, understanding of women, and improving your attractiveness and your husband market value. Here is a good channel to understand these core principles:
  • Develop detachment through church involvement and prayer. This will help to maintain a sense of contentment and peace even if things don't work out with women.
  • Remember: It's better to stay single forever than get locked into a relationship with the wrong woman who does not and will not look UP to you. P.S. Stay away from committing to single mums, as explained here: http://christisking.cc/threads/finding-a-traditional-wife-abroad.42/#post-3177
  • That said, try to avoid using your conservative values and standards as an excuse for not taking action or risking failure. Consider cultivating willingness to take risks and expose yourself to rejection. More on this here: http://christisking.cc/threads/how-...istian-being-formerly-in-game.711/#post-27186
  • Develop and maintain a fulfilling, purposeful and varied life outside of women, including church/community life, work and career, friendships and other relationships with family, colleagues or others, and other hobbies/interests that give you a sense of intrinsic interest.
  • Maintain your health and wellbeng: including physical health and mental/emotional peace and resilience. This is very important for its own sake, and for relationships. I explained this principle in relation to attracting and maintaining relationships with younger women here: http://christisking.cc/threads/marriage-virgins-vs-non-virgins.850/page-3#post-38821

I hope this helps. And again, respect for the open sharing. It takes courage to admit these things to yourself, let alone others. All the best.

Saluting Team Usa GIF by MLB
 
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KulturedKaveman said:
Updates - the twist -

A mutual friend gave me one of her socials I’m not blocked on. They were like “I know your story, do with this what you will.” Should I even bother though?

I’ve made so much progress since my last post here. But what if we could… you know mortgage kids and all that stuff years later?
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Didn't you already reach out to her? What will another social to reach her accomplish?
 
Time to move on brother, find your inner strength and pride as a man bury your emotions inside until they dissipate and move forward. There is nothing good for you here, even if for some reason she changes her mind it's going to be completely to your detriment, she will own you in the relationship and it will not go well for you.

Get to work on yourself, be the best man you can for yourself, for God and the people you care about. Get started today, the rest will take care of itself and you will find happiness within yourself. Then you will be able to share that happiness with someone else.
 
Samseau said:
Didn't you already reach out to her? What will another social to reach her accomplish?
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Not directly. Basically some mutual contacts from the past told me no. I took their “no” as she’s not interested. I never got a direct opportunity. Someone gave me one. A cringey social, but still a contact.

I’m at a should I even bother? Her friend said she’s happy with the guy she’s with despite the 20 year age gap and him having a daughter old enough me and her could hang out with. Also she’s gone down a very different spiritual path than me. She grew up Jewish so while we were together if I was more into my faith like I am now she probably would’ve converted to Orthodoxy. Now, she’s gone down the whole witchcraft path it seems. I was too when we were together.

However, maybe my heartbreak is my salvation. What if we stayed together, started going to temple, and I became Jewish!?!
 
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