Making friends

Christos_NIKA said:
I've been living in this cucked west European country for over a dozen years and I still have ZERO native friends. All my friends here are from Eastern Europe, South America, etc. As TRWCode above wrote, a friend is someone you can confide in, trust to not turn you in to the cops, rely on in difficult times. I find no single native person who fits that description. They are all terrified and cowardly.

Just a few weeks ago I was having a casual conversation with a middle-aged man after church and I happened to mention the word "gypsy", using the local language. He got very concerned, acted shocked, stepped back and told me "you can't use that word! It's derogatory!". I lived in this country in the 90s and this word was normal parlance...now apparently you can't use it, but since I don't have local TV service I guess I haven't got the latest orders from Big Brother. I was shocked that even a man at an Orthodox church would act like this. So, I literally just used the English word "gypsy" and threw that into my conversation and then he was fine with it. 🤡🌎

As an aside, I asked which would he would recommend I use, and he suggested 2 particular gypsy tribes that tend to dominate here. I told him that those are only 2 tribes of gypsies, out of hundreds and that it is not accurate, since I wasn't speaking about them. He had no answer to that one!. 🙄
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Just for kicks, the next time you see him at church and he asks how your week went, tell him you bought an item at the store but you feel you got gypped.

Then, come back here and tell us his response.
 
Poker and competitive/team sports are always a good way to meet other guys and feels more natural than anything else. But it also depends a lot on which country you are in. In anglo-sphere countries often you can go to the same job or participate in the same sport for years and not make friends especially in the larger cities, whereas certain other countries if you turn up to the same job or soccer team every week after a few months people will invite you to birthday parties, barbeques, etc.
 
I play a little poker at times, you do meet many people from different backgrounds, however your mileage may vary. You have to work through the degenerate gamblers, alcoholics, the boomer nits, and the switched-on yet nihilist types.

What I've found helpful recently is just getting in touch with people and organizing meals, lunch or dinner. Everyone brings a bottle of wine to share and, if at someone's home, a dish they cooked at home. We don't do this every day, but it's certainly something that can be done once a month or so, with proper planning and timing.
 
Maddox said:
If this were a movie, the other person would invite me, the new guy, to one of these parties. But this is real life, and that never happens.
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That's very similar to wishing women would approach men, where in reality we know that men have to do the work.

If you want friends, act like the friend you would like to have. Instead of waiting for an invitation, send a message to a few friends to see if they want to meet up.
 
SCW said:
What I've found helpful recently is just getting in touch with people and organizing meals, lunch or dinner. Everyone brings a bottle of wine to share and, if at someone's home, a dish they cooked at home. We don't do this every day, but it's certainly something that can be done once a month or so, with proper planning and timing.
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That's more for keeping in touch with existing friends but its not really a way to meet new friends.
 
Australia Sucks said:
That's more for keeping in touch with existing friends but its not really a way to meet new friends.
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It can definitely be done with the buddies you meet playing sports. I've seen this kind of stuff really solidify groups.
I never invite anyone, I just get invited and, despite that, I end up forming some kind of bond with some of those guys and then I'll get invited to the next event and so on.

I've even been invited to bachelor parties in foreign countries and weddings just as a result of me showing up to a BBQ with a bottle of sparkling water for 2 hours. (I'm not encouraging bachelor party activities. Just saying that I become part of the "in-group" with minimal effort)

There definitely are good, friendly people out there who are still childlike when it comes to making friends.
 
Australia Sucks said:
That's more for keeping in touch with existing friends but its not really a way to meet new friends.
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You must start somewhere. Deep friendships do not spontaneously manifest, and you don't marry the love of your life at first sight. As it's been said before, you have to slay a few dragons to get the princess.

We understand how most people in society have become NPCs, inured and dependent on the system to tell them what to think. You can either throw up your arms in despair and give up, or get down to the hard work of vetting potential friends and teammates, one soul at a time.

Friendship also doesn't have to be a binary yes/no. Some friends are good for conversation, others for correspondence, some for business, others for pleasure. Any action you take to make a friend is a potential winning move. The only way to lose is to isolate yourself.
 
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SCW said:
You must start somewhere. Deep friendships do not spontaneously manifest, and you don't marry the love of your life at first sight. As it's been said before, you have to slay a few dragons to get the princess.

We understand how most people in society have become NPCs, inured and dependent on the system to tell them what to think. You can either throw up your arms in despair and give up, or get down to the hard work of vetting potential friends and teammates, one soul at a time.

Friendship also doesn't have to be a binary yes/no. Some friends are good for conversation, others for correspondence, some for business, others for pleasure. Any action you take to make a friend is a potential winning move. The only way to lose is to isolate yourself.
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This is excellent advice. Also, over time you learn to filter for certain character traits in both men and women which quickly let you know what the limits of your friendship or relationship might be.
 
I recently just moved and went through a break up. I am looking for some friends and a woman in the new place. So far, not much luck.

Prior to this, I moved to a new place. It took me ~1 year to start making some great friends at my Church. At first, I didn't find anybody I really connected with, but after sticking around, some new people joined, and I got to connect with some people who were already there, and I was able to be in a good friend group. Outside of Church, it was hard to meet people. At work I would maybe connect with a few of the people, but I don't work at a consistent location, and the lack of routine makes it harder to connect. Plus, a lot of them are married, older, and/or women that I wasn't interested in physically, so I kept it to strictly work friendships. At the gym, I was able to make a few friends (and I don't really engage with people at the gym, they started the conversations), one of which stuck.

It really takes time. For me, it took at least 1 year and really closer to 2 years to make friends. I could have been more outgoing and put myself out there, I admit, but I am somewhat sociable, especially at Church since I usually have more in common with people there than anywhere else. I want to look into playing a sport, maybe doing some MeetUp groups (that site seems pretty dead though). All I really want is 1 or 2 good friends in this area, and then eventually a women to get married to. People seem less approachable than they did ~10 years ago, but I'm not sure if that is just in my head, or is a factor of being in my 30s instead of 20s.
 
Knight.of.Logos said:
I recently just moved and went through a break up. I am looking for some friends and a woman in the new place. So far, not much luck.

Prior to this, I moved to a new place. It took me ~1 year to start making some great friends at my Church. At first, I didn't find anybody I really connected with, but after sticking around, some new people joined, and I got to connect with some people who were already there, and I was able to be in a good friend group. Outside of Church, it was hard to meet people. At work I would maybe connect with a few of the people, but I don't work at a consistent location, and the lack of routine makes it harder to connect. Plus, a lot of them are married, older, and/or women that I wasn't interested in physically, so I kept it to strictly work friendships. At the gym, I was able to make a few friends (and I don't really engage with people at the gym, they started the conversations), one of which stuck.

It really takes time. For me, it took at least 1 year and really closer to 2 years to make friends. I could have been more outgoing and put myself out there, I admit, but I am somewhat sociable, especially at Church since I usually have more in common with people there than anywhere else. I want to look into playing a sport, maybe doing some MeetUp groups (that site seems pretty dead though). All I really want is 1 or 2 good friends in this area, and then eventually a women to get married to. People seem less approachable than they did ~10 years ago, but I'm not sure if that is just in my head, or is a factor of being in my 30s instead of 20s.
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Easiest time to make friends during sports. I played sand volleyball for awhile and it was 6 on 6. Lots of down time between plays to have side conversation. Can even chat with the other team through the net. If I was single, this would hands down be the best way.
 
SeekingTruth said:
Easiest time to make friends during sports. I played sand volleyball for awhile and it was 6 on 6. Lots of down time between plays to have side conversation. Can even chat with the other team through the net. If I was single, this would hands down be the best way.
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It's not just the talking, it's also the game itself. Over the course of the games you and others might tend to shout, be angry, talk "trash" aka mock someone, get shouted at, flex your muscles, high five, hug each other etc.

Those are actions, emotional states, reactions etc. you would generally never show around random strangers or even your neighbors and colleagues. No amount of "team building events" at some office job can match the amount of genuine human interaction and connection that one can experience within even just 2 hours of playing a competitive sport with other people, especially other men, of course.
 
Great thread @canuckj and respect to the other contributors offering value in this thread 👏

A gentle reminder to the readers:

Male friendships are important

And possibly even more important than you think.



If you're involved with this site and chatting with fellow members through online means only, you could be missing out on meeting up and making meaningful and/or practical connections. See below for suggested next steps:

1. Read tips relating to meet ups

2. Post in the meetup sub-forum
 
One thing I have difficulty with in this department, what to do with friends from previous phases of your life? Assuming you have gone down the religious path, but in a previous phase you were a sinner before going back to the church. Your friends have not taken this path, and as you age it becomes more difficult to make friends. In my case I have known some guys for years, but we have grown apart. An example, one guy is currently fornicating with a woman he knows is married. He’s being completely bamboozled by this woman, who visits him every month, but still is married and won’t get divorced. I confronted him to tell him this is unethical and he is getting played like a fool. He outlines scenarios where she will leave the guy and be with him. I could only laugh as he describes this, and her as a good loyal friend. But this is the state we live in, guys are sharing women because of the lack of good ones. I feel in certain cases complete abandonment is appropriate.

I try to make friends in church, but most church goers just go to mass and leave right after. One priest did invite me to go hiking, but otherwise I have not had much success. I am lucky that I do sports and make friends there, and enjoy my solitude. Still I would like to improve in this area.
 
SeekingGod said:
One thing I have difficulty with in this department, what to do with friends from previous phases of your life? Assuming you have gone down the religious path, but in a previous phase you were a sinner before going back to the church. Your friends have not taken this path, and as you age it becomes more difficult to make friends. In my case I have known some guys for years, but we have grown apart. An example, one guy is currently fornicating with a woman he knows is married. He’s being completely bamboozled by this woman, who visits him every month, but still is married and won’t get divorced. I confronted him to tell him this is unethical and he is getting played like a fool. He outlines scenarios where she will leave the guy and be with him. I could only laugh as he describes this, and her as a good loyal friend. But this is the state we live in, guys are sharing women because of the lack of good ones. I feel in certain cases complete abandonment is appropriate.

I try to make friends in church, but most church goers just go to mass and leave right after. One priest did invite me to go hiking, but otherwise I have not had much success. I am lucky that I do sports and make friends there, and enjoy my solitude. Still I would like to improve in this area.
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You have to just weigh the pros and the cons. See how being with them effects you overall. I had to separate from a lot of my previous friends. It wasn't anything dramatic, it was just realizing that I don't want alcohol and sin to be what brings us together. That's what it revolved around before -- sin, entertainment, and partying. I was still open to being friends, but I sensed that some of them almost took offense to me changing my ways. A few of my friends from back then stuck, some of them became better people (even if not becoming Christian), so that makes it easier. I drifted away from most of my previous friends over the last 5 years as I've gotten deeper into my faith.

For me, I want to have friends that are good people that inspire me to be more virtuous and a better person. People who I can have good conversations with, and even if we disagree, that doesn't get in the way of friendships. People to help with encouragement during our difficult times in life, and people to celebrate the victories with. Quality is more important than quantity.

Who and what we surround ourselves with effects our souls. Even if we don't think it does, hanging around with people who drink or do drugs rubs off on us. Same with hanging around with people who swear, people who are negative, people who are hateful, etc.

I think if you keep going to church and trying to meet people, something would work out. You could potentially try visiting other churches, or looking into different Christian events and groups in your area. It definitely takes time though, so don't be discouraged.
 
SeekingGod said:
I try to make friends in church, but most church goers just go to mass and leave right after. One priest did invite me to go hiking, but otherwise I have not had much success. I am lucky that I do sports and make friends there, and enjoy my solitude. Still I would like to improve in this area.
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It's not easy and it takes a lot of effort in many ways, and you get disheartened, just like with women - seems like the ROI is not there. I do lifting and gym work more than anything, since I'm not going to go full bore in any sport, and I'm too competitive to do co-ed or other non serious (people who weren't previously athletes) sports, so it sorta sucks. I think by the time mid 30s comes and goes, it's more into the realm of workouts/gym/walks or bust. I did play ball when I was mid 30s though and quite well. You just don't end up doing it enough for it to be safe with conditioning and legs anymore, though. Or you really have to be at a university or some setting where are lot of people are around all the time for pickup, etc.

I think as I get older I'll try to do more dedicated activities to follow in the footsteps of serving ministries or teaching. First the overseas and travel attempts will be experienced, and that might provide other insights.
 
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