Making friends

C

canuckj

Protestant
Heritage
Question for the guys here. I am finding it difficult to make friends and looking for suggestions. For context I am in my 40s and currently single (though hopeful for a marriage this year or next). I know a few guys from work and they invite me to church events and stuff but I wouldn't consider them real friends yet. I did have some friends before but they were from my marriage and drifted away (likely due to being uncomfortable with the situation). I also moved cities during COVID. I had a friend who I used to hunt with and we talk of having coffee but it hasn't happened yet.

I had lots of friends in high school, university, when I lived in China and even when married but things have gotten harder. I find most people are part of a couple and prefer to socialize with other couples (even for Bible studies). Also people seem to move on. I talked to my dad about this. He was always surrounded by friends but now doesn't have many. He said this is part of getting older.

I wish Roosh had been able to implement the tribes idea and start clubs for guys with shared interests :)
 
When you have an inkling for also being out of the country, it's hard to justify expending a lot of energy in a new city, rather than just try it somewhere else where there actually is the possibility of women, and guys that think like you do (this forum). That's an issue that seems glaring. I'm not sure why it's harder. When I look back at the last few decades, once you are beyond social/job/uni connections and the gym or sports or other connections daily you have, it becomes REAL hard.
 
Your dad is partly correct. But only half of it (the other half is the other guys, who also feel lonely but don't do much to change that).

I am in my early 40s as well, and while I don't live a very social life anymore, I just try to balance my social tank. Having a family can be good for a guys social life, but most of it is run through the wife so there has to be a certain amount of agreement between the couple on whose friendships are worth pursuing. For guy time, I make a point of meeting up with some of my oldest friends a couple times a month, sometimes more. For any new guys, I have had to be pretty forward in getting a plan together. And all of them say the same thing, "thanks for getting me out, I just don't do this often enough". For what it's worth, I still enjoy the pub culture and find it to be the easiest and most rewarding way to get an hour of guy time in.

Myself and some old friends also started a 'rendezvous' about 15 or 20 years ago, which means that whenever one of us moved somewhere new, we would all rendezvous at the new spot. In our 20s and 30s, this often meant trips overseas. It was super fun and strengthened our friendships in an impressive way, especially now that we are in our 40s. We just had our last one in November in San Francisco, and it was amazing. It was also the first one since covid as some of us were unable to travel, so the conversations were instantly riffing on each other for our decisions.

I know this doesn't really give any real insights on how to meet friends, it's more about letting you know that you are more normal in this than you think. So many other men are lonely and would jump at the chance of making friends. I live in Vancouver and the guys I know who have made the most friends in their 40s, were guys who joined a gun club. In a liberal haven like this, anyone who enjoys shooting and hunting instantly has a bond forged in iron.
 
Blade Runner said:
When you have an inkling for also being out of the country, it's hard to justify expending a lot of energy in a new city, rather than just try it somewhere else where there actually is the possibility of women, and guys that think like you do (this forum). That's an issue that seems glaring. I'm not sure why it's harder. When I look back at the last few decades, once you are beyond social/job/uni connections and the gym or sports or other connections daily you have, it becomes REAL hard.
Click to expand...
I would love to live in Latin America as I saw when I was there that life doesn't have to suck. If I was there I know I would have friends, get invited to dinner or parties (even if just for the gringo factor and to practice English) and of course women are easier to meet. The food is also affordable and healthier and it is cheaper to live overall. Unfortunately, I am not at a financial stage where I can do this yet but if my current relationship works out it will be a long-term goal. If I had a way to earn an income overseas I would do it now. Until then I am accelerating my Spanish learning and trying to build my financial position :).
 
Laner said:
Your dad is partly correct. But only half of it (the other half is the other guys, who also feel lonely but don't do much to change that).

I am in my early 40s as well, and while I don't live a very social life anymore, I just try to balance my social tank. Having a family can be good for a guys social life, but most of it is run through the wife so there has to be a certain amount of agreement between the couple on whose friendships are worth pursuing. For guy time, I make a point of meeting up with some of my oldest friends a couple times a month, sometimes more. For any new guys, I have had to be pretty forward in getting a plan together. And all of them say the same thing, "thanks for getting me out, I just don't do this often enough". For what it's worth, I still enjoy the pub culture and find it to be the easiest and most rewarding way to get an hour of guy time in.

Myself and some old friends also started a 'rendezvous' about 15 or 20 years ago, which means that whenever one of us moved somewhere new, we would all rendezvous at the new spot. In our 20s and 30s, this often meant trips overseas. It was super fun and strengthened our friendships in an impressive way, especially now that we are in our 40s. We just had our last one in November in San Francisco, and it was amazing. It was also the first one since covid as some of us were unable to travel, so the conversations were instantly riffing on each other for our decisions.

I know this doesn't really give any real insights on how to meet friends, it's more about letting you know that you are more normal in this than you think. So many other men are lonely and would jump at the chance of making friends. I live in Vancouver and the guys I know who have made the most friends in their 40s, were guys who joined a gun club. In a liberal haven like this, anyone who enjoys shooting and hunting instantly has a bond forged in iron.
Click to expand...
I think you touched on a few relevant points. Especially the wife being a gatekeeper for relationships. This is part of my problem as I won't get invites to couple functions when it is just me.

I also started thinking it really was just me and I was doing something wrong.

Also a good point on hobbies. I have been looking for a range membership and it would be great to find someone to hunt with as well.
 
Christos_NIKA said:
My first suggestion would be to join common-interest activity groups. I don't know where you live, but try Meetup.com or Internations.org, if you're looking for something more international. Also, seeing that you are Protestant, there should be singles groups and events at your church/a church in your area.
Click to expand...
I need to find some more activities. I was doing Muay Tai/boxing for a while but injured myself. I should be able to go back in a couple months.

I am also looking for a men's bible study and attend a men's breakfast at a church about once a month.
 
I'd look into what demographic you get along with. I have assborgors, so this gets tricky for me. I get along very well with the church guys however, and their demographic is ~40 year old guys with good jobs, conservative politics, and obviously Evangelical. Never really got along with demographics of my age range, and this is a quintessential Asperger's thing. I avoid being friends with women like the plague (they do the same to me, obviously). Even the nicest ones are too much in the cluster B range, and frequently disappoint.
 
God's lonely asperger said:
I'd look into what demographic you get along with. I have assborgors, so this gets tricky for me. I get along very well with the church guys however, and their demographic is ~40 year old guys with good jobs, conservative politics, and obviously Evangelical. Never really got along with demographics of my age range, and this is a quintessential Asperger's thing. I avoid being friends with women like the plague (they do the same to me, obviously). Even the nicest ones are too much in the cluster B range, and frequently disappoint.
Click to expand...
I understand that Asperger's must make your situation much more difficult but believe you are doing your best :). I think interacting with women is good although I don't believe male-female platonic relationships can work.

I get along with a wide range of folks although I tend to make friends with guys younger than myself as I like to be active and don't want to be with a group of older guys who are stagnating and dreaming of the past all the time. I know the current situation for us in the West sucks but there is little I can do about it. I have learned to let go of the past and try to deal with the cards I have been given. I really need to be around positive people trying to do something with their lives :). I would love to learn from people who have side income for example.
 
canuckj said:
I understand that Asperger's must make your situation much more difficult but believe you are doing your best :).
Click to expand...
I don't sweat it too much. I barely mention it unless it's very relevant to said topic of conversation. Most socially awkward guys don't even have autism or some type of "mental illness", they just spend too much on screens and get taken to psychiatrists to solve its problems.

canuckj said:
I think interacting with women is good although I don't believe male-female platonic relationships can work.
Click to expand...
Pretty much. I will have a chat with women every once in a while, but they're like aliens even to the most normal guys. If you relate too much to them, I have a feeling there is something unusual about it or the person who does that. There is a stigma in my country about this whole ordeal.

canuckj said:
I get along with a wide range of folks although I tend to make friends with guys younger than myself as I like to be active and don't want to be with a group of older guys who are stagnating and dreaming of the past all the time. I know the current situation for us in the West sucks but there is little I can do about it. I have learned to let go of the past and try to deal with the cards I have been given. I really need to be around positive people trying to do something with their lives :). I would love to learn from people who have side income for example.
Click to expand...
This is a topic worthy of its own thread. We need to think about the little guys growing up among the ruins. Luke Smith has a great video on it, but the most fascinating part of it for me is that some kid e-mailed Sam Hyde about smoking weed because of him, and that was a rare instance where he broke character to say it's just an awful decision. Be a good example.
 
canuckj said:
...I had lots of friends in high school, university, when I lived in China and even when married but things have gotten harder. I find most people are part of a couple and prefer to socialize with other couples (even for Bible studies).
Click to expand...
I've tried joining Bible study groups too. But like you said, in most of them, the couples just seem to want to interact with each other. We had a great one going for a while in our town but then the host couple decided to end it. That was the only thing I looked forward to all week as I was making friends with younger people there.

Since then, I've been unsuccessful at finding a group even close to this one. I had to switch churches, and the new one has men which I just don't seem to have anything in common with; the typical guy is bald with a goatee and probably rides to church on his 4-wheeler. Just not my type of men to hang out with.

And the friends I did meet at the old group are both married and I hardly ever see them now as they are both busy with wives and family. It shouldn't be this hard to make new friends, but it is.
 
Men are more task oriented and women are more social/talkative.

Let's say you're into guns. Join the local shooting range club.
If you're into baseball, join a local league.

Join something that you're naturally interested in, rather than forcing yourself to join a forced social event (ie: book/tupperware social hour).
 
Your Father lived in a very different time, though what he said is still true to some degree.

I think to find and make great friends you have to go through some profound or meaningful experience and/or it's just the quality of time spent together. Most people i've worked with are nice to get through the day with, but that's it.
On the other hand I've gone through some crazy hard experiences with people and those people are solid. Hard times are the kind of the glue that binds you.

I think you have to search out the hard stuff and do it with other people and GIVE your time.

2hrs Bible Study each week is a great intro, but it doesn't really cost you much.
I made some great friends at prayer meetings, because it was hard to show up each week consistently with a busy schedule, but every single time you were glad you went. Something to that I think.
 
Last edited:
Maddox said:
I've tried joining Bible study groups too. But like you said, in most of them, the couples just seem to want to interact with each other. We had a great one going for a while in our town but then the host couple decided to end it. That was the only thing I looked forward to all week as I was making friends with younger people there.

Since then, I've been unsuccessful at finding a group even close to this one. I had to switch churches, and the new one has men which I just don't seem to have anything in common with; the typical guy is bald with a goatee and probably rides to church on his 4-wheeler. Just not my type of men to hang out with.

And the friends I did meet at the old group are both married and I hardly ever see them now as they are both busy with wives and family. It shouldn't be this hard to make new friends, but it is.
Click to expand...
This kind of mirrors my experience somewhat. Nice to know it isn't only me.
 
My friends are my two kids. I dread the day they will leave the house. I had many friends before. But after having the comfort of family. I don’t seek meeting with people much. My older kid is 12. Wednesdays he has his afternoon off every week. We go for a lunch. And probably will watch Ferrari with him at the movies tomorrow.

I do lunch with my old crew 1 time at least every 3 month. We keep a WhatsApp group.

I get along with parents of my kids friends. Just the minimum for my kids to be invited for lunches and parties.

My phone battery used to be dead at lunch time cause I received so many calls. I don’t miss it just one bit. I do miss traveling for businesses. That was fun.

You should get a woman. And kids. Friends belong to an era of partying. Between family and working there’s not much time left.

Before corona we wanted to have more children. But now we are already in our forties. So maybe that ship has sailed. Still something on the back of my mind.

Btw BJJ as a friends meeting place is superior to MT. If it’s a community you’re looking for train BJJ.
 
magoo said:
My friends are my two kids. I dread the day they will leave the house. I had many friends before. But after having the comfort of family. I don’t seek meeting with people much. My older kid is 12. Wednesdays he has his afternoon off every week. We go for a lunch. And probably will watch Ferrari with him at the movies tomorrow.

I do lunch with my old crew 1 time at least every 3 month. We keep a WhatsApp group.

I get along with parents of my kids friends. Just the minimum for my kids to be invited for lunches and parties.

My phone battery used to be dead at lunch time cause I received so many calls. I don’t miss it just one bit. I do miss traveling for businesses. That was fun.

You should get a woman. And kids. Friends belong to an era of partying. Between family and working there’s not much time left.

Before corona we wanted to have more children. But now we are already in our forties. So maybe that ship has sailed. Still something on the back of my mind.

Btw BJJ as a friends meeting place is superior to MT. If it’s a community you’re looking for train BJJ.
Click to expand...

Great point about your kids being your friends. I know it doesn't help @canuckj situation, but I think it bears repeating and validating.

Once every couple months a friend will put on a UFC party and we grab a bunch of snacks and booze and just hang out at their place. These are going to be my single buddies. My son wants to come and has attended them in the past, but I can tell that there is a bit of a relief when I say he is not coming. I understand, but I also want to spend time with everyone. Recently I just said I was going to watch the fight at a local pub and invited a couple other dads along and it was great.

When boys get older they will be treated more equally by men, and this is for better or worse.
 
magoo said:
My friends are my two kids. I dread the day they will leave the house. I had many friends before. But after having the comfort of family. I don’t seek meeting with people much. My older kid is 12. Wednesdays he has his afternoon off every week. We go for a lunch. And probably will watch Ferrari with him at the movies tomorrow.

I do lunch with my old crew 1 time at least every 3 month. We keep a WhatsApp group.

I get along with parents of my kids friends. Just the minimum for my kids to be invited for lunches and parties.

My phone battery used to be dead at lunch time cause I received so many calls. I don’t miss it just one bit. I do miss traveling for businesses. That was fun.

You should get a woman. And kids. Friends belong to an era of partying. Between family and working there’s not much time left.

Before corona we wanted to have more children. But now we are already in our forties. So maybe that ship has sailed. Still something on the back of my mind.

Btw BJJ as a friends meeting place is superior to MT. If it’s a community you’re looking for train BJJ.
Click to expand...
Your situations also mirrors mine in that I have two kids. I am actually a single dad and my son (14) lives with me. My daughter (older) lives with her mom now.

I am currently in a relationship with a woman and we are talking about marriage and kids. She is very sociable and has tons of friends. This led me to wonder if maybe I was just weird as I only have a very small handful (many of whom are really just acquaintances).

I did train in BJJ for a while and wrestling and before that judo.
 
Best advice in my opinion is to find a hobby or activity that involves people and get good at it. Something that involves teamwork is best, but it's hard to say exactly what without more details. If you live in a small town of 500 people, you're not going to find a whole lot extra to do other than drink at the local bar.

Easy answer could just be volunteering for charity work. You run into all sorts of people, although many might not be the kind you'd want to associate with, it doesn't have a very high barrier of entry. Couple of friends of mine spent a lot of time at the local animal shelter volunteering to help take care of stray dogs and cats.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top