À long time ago when I was single, I went to Greece looking for a sweet innocent girl to start a relationship with.
I went to the most remote Greek island I could find, figuring that the further away from the mainland I was, the further away from toxic influences such as smart phones etc would be. Of course, smart phones hadn't been invented yet and all I had was my Nokia 3210 with 7 days of battery life (but that's another story).
Anyway, after a days ferry ride and crossing two island mountain passes in a fiat 500 and a donkey, I eventually arrived a Tikipathos, a tiny little fishing village with one taverna and a shop run by an old man called Stavros.
I asked Stavros about women and he said to me (in Greek, which I didn't really understand), 'you must stay for a while and understand our values before we give you access to our women. '
This was good advice and i wanted to meet a special girl, I had seen a few beautiful young girls flitting through the village, trying to avoid being slapped on the bottom by drunk fishermen and taverna owners.
I got a job on a fishing boat and after 6 long years, Stavros said to me (in Greek) 'you've been here a long time skipro and you've worked hard bringing in the fish day after day. I know you're lonely, would you like to meet my daughter Olive'. I knew he said all this because I had learned Greek being on the boat every day, no other option really as my trawlermen friends Pathos and Patos (the were brothers) spoke no English.
I had a feeling I knew who Olive was, she was a a little waif of a thing with thick curly black hair and deep brown eyes. I had seen her one time throwing a broken fridge over a wall on the non touristy part of the island.
Anyway, I said to Stavros, 'wow Stavros, what an amazing opportunity, I've been really starved of female company these last 6 years'. The thing is Stavros, and again, I'm grateful but the thing is, I want to start a fresh with this relationship and it's important to me that the girl I'm with is pure and innocent so that she will only know me and put me on a pedastal and worship me like the alpha male that I am'
Stavros stroked his chest hair that was poking out of the white shirt and black trousers that is the uniform that all Greek taverna owners must wear by law, 'I think I know what you are going to ask me SkiPro'
'yes' , I replied, 'all real men know this, not these drunken ass slapping fools who sit at the taverna every night. A real man needs a virgin wife'
Stavros's eyes opened wide and a big smile came across his face. 'Skipro', he said, 'Olive is so pure, so shy, so innocent, I was waiting for a special man like you to come along, someone so worldly, from far off lands, who works hard and is in all ways superior to the local Greek men of this island.'
My heart skipped a beat as I said 'so she's a virgin?'
'Not only that SkiPro', Stavros said, 'she so special, so naïve, so young that she's Extra Virgin Olive (oil)'