Courting Protocol

[Thomas More]

I'm curious what people suggest about courting protocol.

For example, let's say I approach a woman in church, with the desire to get to know her with a hope that it will lead to marriage. In secular terms, this is dating. However, I'm picturing myself starting to sit with her in church, and having curious well wishers come up to inquire. Both of us are well liked and respected in church so I don't expect any negative or busybody type comments. I would expect true well wishers.

If we've just started seeing each other, I wouldn't be ready to propose yet, so she would not be my fiancé. I would feel funny calling her my girlfriend. That sounds secular, and despite the fact we would be chaste, it carries the implication in a secular society that we are intimate.

For that matter, I think of courtship as being formally in pursuit of marriage, but I'd like to get to know her a little better before I would even say we're courting. I do know her somewhat already from group activities, and I know her family.

Are there any guidelines for handling these steps in a Christian dating-courtship-engagement sequence?

 

[Callixtus]

I've been courting a young woman I met at church going on 10 months now.

We initially did some lunch dates or walks in the park after Mass and made it "official" by declaring our intention to discerned marriage together about a month in. Since then we've met each other's families and always try to either do our dates in public or in a group with friends or other couples. She still lives with her parents on a decent sized piece of land so we'll often spend time there where her parents can act as chaperones in a sense.

We do refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, but since most people in our lives are in the church they understand what that means. They're silly words and do hold certain secular connotations, but I've yet to find a better word. Introducing her as "the woman I am courting" doesn't seem natural.

As for any advice I can offer, number one I'd say go for it. I was initially a bit anxious getting back into a relationship as this is my first one since returning to the church four years ago and turning my life around. She's been very understanding regarding my past and was giddy with joy when I finally had the guts to ask her out and declare my intentions. It didn't come easy for me, as I expect is the case for many Christian men with a past to contend with, but it's even more difficult for the women because they have to weed through the poor crop of men and hope that a good man makes a move.

Aside from that, I'd say that it's very important to not be alone. We know how we can act if tempted, but I was surprised to learn that even a young, virgin, Christian woman can be affected by passions too. We've never fallen into mortal sin, but have recognized occasions where if we didn't catch ourselves we might fall.

Another thing I've had to contend with is undoing all my hardwired notions of dating. It was tough in the beginning, and still is now to a lesser extent, to be vulnerable and trust that she won't pull one over on me if I give too much ground or let her know how I feel. In a way, it was hard to trust her and open up due to my previous experience with secular women and my previous intentions in dating.

One thing that I keep coming back to is this Father Ripperger sermon on courtship. I see you're protestant, but the morals are universal so if you're not opposed to giving a papist a listen then check it out:

 

[Thomas More]

This is great! I appreciate the actual experience in a relatively similar situation. I will watch the video as well. I'm sure the advice will be relevant.

 

[Callixtus]

I hope others will chime in, including married men who may have some insight. And of course share your experiences as they come, a lot of us are in the same boat and any bit of experience is helpful!

 

[Mojambo]

I've been courting a young woman I met at church going on 10 months now.

We initially did some lunch dates or walks in the park after Mass and made it "official" by declaring our intention to discerned marriage together about a month in. Since then we've met each other's families and always try to either do our dates in public or in a group with friends or other couples. She still lives with her parents on a decent sized piece of land so we'll often spend time there where her parents can act as chaperones in a sense.

We do refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, but since most people in our lives are in the church they understand what that means. They're silly words and do hold certain secular connotations, but I've yet to find a better word. Introducing her as "the woman I am courting" doesn't seem natural.

As for any advice I can offer, number one I'd say go for it. I was initially a bit anxious getting back into a relationship as this is my first one since returning to the church four years ago and turning my life around. She's been very understanding regarding my past and was giddy with joy when I finally had the guts to ask her out and declare my intentions. It didn't come easy for me, as I expect is the case for many Christian men with a past to contend with, but it's even more difficult for the women because they have to weed through the poor crop of men and hope that a good man makes a move.

Aside from that, I'd say that it's very important to not be alone. We know how we can act if tempted, but I was surprised to learn that even a young, virgin, Christian woman can be affected by passions too. We've never fallen into mortal sin, but have recognized occasions where if we didn't catch ourselves we might fall.

Another thing I've had to contend with is undoing all my hardwired notions of dating. It was tough in the beginning, and still is now to a lesser extent, to be vulnerable and trust that she won't pull one over on me if I give too much ground or let her know how I feel. In a way, it was hard to trust her and open up due to my previous experience with secular women and my previous intentions in dating.

One thing that I keep coming back to is this Father Ripperger sermon on courtship. I see you're protestant, but the morals are universal so if you're not opposed to giving a papist a listen then check it out:

Thank you for this video. I'm still single and this serves as a really important reminder to help navigate all the secular traps for both me and whoever "her" might be. I'm amazed how much of (((modern society))) has corrupted the courting process and it shows in today's hookup/high divorce rate culture.