Becoming a Father: Practical Duties and the Change Process

[magoo]

Normally when my kids are fighting each other. I grab theyre ears. And if they don´t stop because I´m not pulling. I apply some more pressure squeezing the ear lobe and say "It will reach the f ceiling boys". It immediately stops. I rarely really pull the ear. Cause it might make some damage. And I don´t want that. Applying pressure in the ear lobe is enough.

They also saw me sparring Muay Thai one time.

The tickle works if they don´t want to do something. Like going to sleep or brush teeths. But when all hell breaks loose. You need something more efective.

The school they attend the teachers never hit kids and they all behave. They have like a punishment cards system. And many rewards. I don´t have the patience for it. But their system is better.

 

[Unending Powerhouse Match]

I really liked the last paragraph of yours that I quoted here: "you do it dispassionately, with absolutely no anger." That's probably the key.

It is indeed a very good line. It's Priestmonk Kosmas' line, not mine. His talks are extremely edifying.

 

[Horus]

Hitting, spanking, whatever you call it. While it may be very effective in the short term dealing with an unruly child, you have to be aware that there are potential side effects down the road. I was spanked regularly, usually on the buttocks, sometimes with the hand and sometimes with a wooden spoon. It didn't change my behaviour. What it did do is turn me into a liar and made me very sneaky, always hiding things from my parents for fear that they would hit me, because it hurt and was completely humiliating. I just tried to hide anything about my life from them and didn't want to share anything that normal children should share with their parents.

I don't have children and that is a very good question. However I'm an elementary school teacher and I work with young children every day, hundreds of them over the years. I spend more time with them throughout the week than most of the parents do with their children. (Thank God I work in a country that doesn't promote Western ideology to children). I can assure you that you absolutely can reason with an unruly child, but it takes time and patience and empathy.

Correcting children's behaviour with violence is completely counterproductive. It works well in the short term from the perspective of the parent, but will often have negative effects in the long term.

Put it this way. Would you hit your wife to correct her behaviour? Of course you wouldn't because you love her and you understand that assaulting her can only hurt your relationship. So why would you think hitting your children, whom you love, will correct their behaviour without affecting your relationship with them.

If you hit/spank your child, you are a lazy parent looking for easy solutions, and you shouldn't be surprised if you don't enjoy a close relationship with you children as they reach adulthood.

 

[SkiPro]

If you have to resort to hitting your kids you just aren't very smart. There are plenty of non violent ways of doing discipline.

 

[Unending Powerhouse Match]

Hitting, spanking, whatever you call it. While it may be very effective in the short term dealing with an unruly child, you have to be aware that there are potential side effects down the road. I was spanked regularly, usually on the buttocks, sometimes with the hand and sometimes with a wooden spoon. It didn't change my behaviour. What it did do is turn me into a liar and made me very sneaky, always hiding things from my parents for fear that they would hit me, because it hurt and was completely humiliating. I just tried to hide anything about my life from them and didn't want to share anything that normal children should share with their parents.

I don't have children and that is a very good question. However I'm an elementary school teacher and I work with young children every day, hundreds of them over the years. I spend more time with them throughout the week than most of the parents do with their children. (Thank God I work in a country that doesn't promote Western ideology to children). I can assure you that you absolutely can reason with an unruly child, but it takes time and patience and empathy.

Correcting children's behaviour with violence is completely counterproductive. It works well in the short term from the perspective of the parent, but will often have negative effects in the long term.

Put it this way. Would you hit your wife to correct her behaviour? Of course you wouldn't because you love her and you understand that assaulting her can only hurt your relationship. So why would you think hitting your children, whom you love, will correct their behaviour without affecting your relationship with them.

If you hit/spank your child, you are a lazy parent looking for easy solutions, and you shouldn't be surprised if you don't enjoy a close relationship with you children as they reach adulthood.

I disagree. Corporal punishment is a fundamentally good idea, as long as it's used sparingly and reasonably. The bible condones it. The fact that it's extremely illegal everywhere these days is an extremely unnatural situation.

If a child or a woman knows that the man of the house has absolutely no real way to assert his authority other than try to debate them with fax and logic into doing what he wants (???), because if he does anything else then the goverment will send men with guns to put him in a cage, then usually they will just do whatever they want.

Have you seen modern households? The way children speak to their parents and the way women treat their husbands? It's disgusting. You cannot reason someone out of a behavior or position that does not come from reason in the first place, and frankly, it's silly to try and reason with a hysterical woman or with a child under the age of reason.

 

[Rampant Lion]

If you hit/spank your child, you are a lazy parent looking for easy solutions, and you shouldn't be surprised if you don't enjoy a close relationship with you children as they reach adulthood.

I have two preschool aged children. Believe me, my patience gets tested almost every day at some of the behavior and nonsense I have to deal with and try to correct, but, I've never ever crossed the line and hit either one of them. It enrages me that there are parents out there that would actually hit children at this age. A fully grown adult striking a small defenseless 3 year old?!?! Kids at this age are just beginning to learn the difference between right from wrong - they don't really understand the concept of consequences, and how actions lead to consequences. So hitting them is not teaching them any sort of "lesson" at all anyway!

Even as they grow older I am not going to hit them. I never really came to this decision until I actually had kids, I just couldn't live with myself if I inflicted any kind of physical harm on them. I may end up punching a few holes in the wall out of frustration, but so be it. I tend to believe in traditional upbringing - I am not one of these super liberal permissive parents. BUT, if there is one 'tradition' I am not going to follow, is what my parents did to me. I faced this type of punishment as a child and still have resentment to this day. It's a cop-out, it's not fair, and in my opinion does much more harm than good.

 

[GoodShepherd]

I got married last year, and recently my wife found out we’re expecting our first.
I’m enormously ecstatic and grateful to GOD, as expected, and continuously think about the child’s future such as when to start the physical training at 1-year age or 3, or will things be so f-ed up that I will be forced to homeschool.

Interested in knowing about your actual experiences and ideas.

Congratulations! I have 3 children, it can be quite hard work you will be amazed at how much free time you had after kids, its going to be good for you and your wife, Iv also noticed that being married and having kids together helps prevent break ups and divorce a little more, many times our kids were the only thing that forced us to put our differences aside and stay together for the sake of the kids. Regarding dicipline you will find that small kids sometimes only understand things with pain so physical hiding will be necessary and if done right you wont have to give them too many and once they bigger like after 5 then even less hidings are required. Its also a much more just dicipline because they get a little pain then its over and done with compared to using other long term non physical punishments.

 

[GodGiveMeStrength]

This is an interesting conversation. It never would have crossed my mind to categorize spankings as "hitting," and as someone who was spanked with hand and spoon growing up, I would never consider myself as someone who was hit or abused as those spankings were always.... spankings. On the butt.

I think there are many factors that come into play and it's not as black and white as recent comments are making it out to be. I spank my boys but only after they've disregarded the previous (and numerous) verbal warnings. What's going to hurt more? A quick smack to the bum, or diving headfirst off the kitchen table onto the hardwood floor? As I said, there are many factors that come into play, child temperament perhaps being the biggest. My daughter is old/smart enough that simply telling her she did something wrong and talking about it is enough. I don't think it's accurate to lump in a spanking along with actually striking a child on the head/torso/limbs, what have you.

 

[Laner]

When raising boys there is a massive difference between hitting and spanking. Most spanks are swats, similar to what a bitch might do to her young pup. Most kids are not hit, but nipped or swatted. When raising boys they need pretty rigid boundaries since they are constantly pushing at them. If other means of association between boundary and acceptable behavior don't work, then a swat is often enough to jar them back.

I would never condone hitting a child, woman or someone obviously weaker than you. There are always exceptions, but for young children I am fully against hitting. I came close to swatting my 9yo son the other night after many warnings these past months that he needs to treat my wife gentler when she is hugging him goodnight. He flew into her lap still in lacrosse mode and connected his head with her orbital. I grabbed him pretty hard and called him out for headbutting her (I know it was an accident, but it had been something discussed on other occasions). Through body language, I made it seem as though it was his turn to get smacked, and after a moment of puffed chest he backed down. Boundary re established - for now.

There are thousands of these little things as a parent. Every day is different, one step forward two steps back. But time marches on and before you know it those issues are gone and filled by another problem. It's exciting and greatly fulfilling.