The Destruction of Modern Women

[Iakobos]

This is one of those platitudes that everyone loves repeating, and it seems really meaningful until you actually think about it. What does it actually mean in terms of a concrete course of action to "find happiness within yourself"? Get money and muscles? Get a hobby or a passion project? Sure, those things are all great, but I have not found that they can fill the wife-and-kids-shaped hole in my heart.

My hobbies don't fill it. Computers are my craft, and I find meaning and money in it, but it doesn't fill it. Money and the gym definitely don't fill it. Faith fills an entirely different hole. I am still a very lacking neophyte, so maybe if I just practice the faith harder and for a long enough period of time. I don't know.

Men and women mystically complete each other, creating a family is co-participation in the act of creation of life with God, nothing else is supposed to fulfill this hole other than a specially granted vocation from God of either celibacy or childlessness from infertility. Which the vast majority of men are not cut out for. So it's natural for you not to feel that your work or hobbies fill that hole, they shouldn't.

I would maybe revise the phrasing from finding 'happiness' to 'outcome independence.' Being willing to accept whatever happens, which as Christians we know is God's will. We will all bear a cross that doubles as a gift from God, we just don't know what form it will come in. In the meantime do the best you can in terms of finding a woman while maintaining your professional objectives, but despondency is from the demons. You're early-20s, you have easily 10+ years to find a good woman, take heart.

 

[Unending Powerhouse Match]

In the meantime do the best you can in terms of finding a woman while maintaining your professional objectives, but despondency is from the demons. You're early-20s, you have easily 10+ years to find a good woman, take heart.

You're right. Thank you for the encouraging words.

 

[fortyfive]

This is one of those platitudes that everyone loves repeating, and it seems really meaningful until you actually think about it. What does it actually mean in terms of a concrete course of action to "find happiness within yourself"? Get money and muscles? Get a hobby or a passion project? Sure, those things are all great, but I have not found that they can fill the wife-and-kids-shaped hole in my heart.

My hobbies don't fill it. Computers are my craft, and I find meaning and money in it, but it doesn't fill it. Money and the gym definitely don't fill it. Faith fills an entirely different hole. I am still a very lacking neophyte, so maybe if I just practice the faith harder and for a long enough period of time. I don't know.

When your happiness depends on something outside of you, it says that you will never have control over it, because we cannot control the external.
You need to find a way to be content with your life as it is right now; otherwise, it is a constant unfulfilled desire.

 

[FrancisK]

This is one of those platitudes that everyone loves repeating, and it seems really meaningful until you actually think about it. What does it actually mean in terms of a concrete course of action to "find happiness within yourself"? Get money and muscles? Get a hobby or a passion project? Sure, those things are all great, but I have not found that they can fill the wife-and-kids-shaped hole in my heart.

My hobbies don't fill it. Computers are my craft, and I find meaning and money in it, but it doesn't fill it. Money and the gym definitely don't fill it. Faith fills an entirely different hole. I am still a very lacking neophyte, so maybe if I just practice the faith harder and for a long enough period of time. I don't know.

Usually when you're relying on someone else to make you happy it doesn't work out too well, people will let you down. That is not necessarily because they are bad people but because you're putting too much on to them and expecting too much from them when happiness shared with another should be more of a mutual symbiotic thing.

When I say you have to find happiness within yourself I don't mean superficial things, trust me when I tell you that those things don't really lead to inner joy. I mean you have to have peace with where you are in life, happy with who you are as a person and the direction your life is going in. Things don't have to be perfect to be content there will always be room for improvement, but it takes some amount of peace within yourself and life before you can look beyond otherwise it generally doesn't work out well.

Think of it this way a bit of a microcosm example, I just came back from Mexico with some friends and to be honest I shouldn't have gone. I just had hernia surgery a couple weeks ago and business wise things are really hectic for me. I said in my head "screw it I need a vacation" and just decided to go. I didn't really have a good time, my friends all sure did and everything was awesome about the trip itself but for me personally I just wasn't there physically and in my head so it didn't go well. Did not matter that I was in the middle of paradise surrounded by close good friends who were ecstatic that I actually showed up.


But brother for you specifically I'll tell you right now you're in good shape, to be so young and concerned with these things is a very strong sign.

 

[FrancisK]

When your happiness depends on something outside of you, it says that you will never have control over it, because we cannot control the external.
You need to find a way to be content with your life as it is right now; otherwise, it is a constant unfulfilled desire.

Very well said

 

[SeekingGod]

This is one of those platitudes that everyone loves repeating, and it seems really meaningful until you actually think about it. What does it actually mean in terms of a concrete course of action to "find happiness within yourself"? Get money and muscles? Get a hobby or a passion project? Sure, those things are all great, but I have not found that they can fill the wife-and-kids-shaped hole in my heart.

My hobbies don't fill it. Computers are my craft, and I find meaning and money in it, but it doesn't fill it. Money and the gym definitely don't fill it. Faith fills an entirely different hole. I am still a very lacking neophyte, so maybe if I just practice the faith harder and for a long enough period of time. I don't know.

It can be a hard pill to swallow, some people are not meant for it. I’m probably in the minority, but I don’t think I’ll ever be capable of a stable marriage, family, and children. Capable as in, could I force myself to do it, and do a mediocre job, yes. Do I have the skills for it? No. I will explain, and this could be too much sharing for a forum, but hey we’re anonymous here.

I come from a very conservative Catholic, but highly dysfunctional family. While my parents never divorced, my upbringing was filled with domestic violence and arguments. My parents marriage was never stable and they argued constantly, with my father beating my mother to the point of hospitalization on several occasions. That’s the short story. So you can see how psychologically this destroys a child in that environment, and I have never been able to shake it. Your trust is completely broken in the people who raised you. On both sides, first, I had a bad example for a father, and secondly you see how weak women are when they are emotionally invested (battered woman syndrome) How can you trust women after that?

I have prayed to God to be released from this and tried everything over the years, yet I did not succeed. While I lived a life of sin for a period, getting my feminine energy in terms of entering short term flings, casual sex, and even multi month or year ‘situationships’, I realized it was a coping mechanism and my fear in not being able to go the distance to marriage. So for all this and other societal reasons (not many good women), I have decided to adhere to a life of a type of secular monasticism.

Some might admonish me and say I am giving up, but these same people have traumas and psychological issues that they do not even know they have. It is a choice. If it so happens I meet a good woman, so be it, but I do not seek it. My goal is strictly inner purification.

 

[FrancisK]

It can be a hard pill to swallow, some people are not meant for it. I’m probably in the minority, but I don’t think I’ll ever be capable of a stable marriage, family, and children. Capable as in, could I force myself to do it, and do a mediocre job, yes. Do I have the skills for it? No. I will explain, and this could be too much sharing for a forum, but hey we’re anonymous here.

I come from a very conservative Catholic, but highly dysfunctional family. While my parents never divorced, my upbringing was filled with domestic violence and arguments. My parents marriage was never stable and they argued constantly, with my father beating my mother to the point of hospitalization on several occasions. That’s the short story. So you can see how psychologically this destroys a child in that environment, and I have never been able to shake it. Your trust is completely broken in the people who raised you. On both sides, first, I had a bad example for a father, and secondly you see how weak women are when they are emotionally invested (battered woman syndrome) How can you trust women after that?

I have prayed to God to be released from this and tried everything over the years, yet I did not succeed. While I lived a life of sin for a period, getting my feminine energy in terms of entering short term flings, casual sex, and even multi month or year ‘situationships’, I realized it was a coping mechanism and my fear in not being able to go the distance to marriage. So for all this and other societal reasons (not many good women), I have decided to adhere to a life of a type of secular monasticism.

Some might admonish me and say I am giving up, but these same people have traumas and psychological issues that they do not even know they have. It is a choice. If it so happens I meet a good woman, so be it, but I do not seek it. My goal is strictly inner purification.

Brother you don't think that perhaps you seeing those bad examples and overcoming them perhaps gives you an even stronger sense of what is right and wrong? I could argue it the other way that maybe those things would mold you into a better man, a better father and husband. I don't mean to tell you how to think or how to feel but from what you have persevered through it sounds to me like you're a very strong Christian man that would raise a strong righteous family.

 

[analyst_green]

Men and women mystically complete each other, creating a family is co-participation in the act of creation of life with God, nothing else is supposed to fulfill this hole other than a specially granted vocation from God of either celibacy or childlessness from infertility. Which the vast majority of men are not cut out for. So it's natural for you not to feel that your work or hobbies fill that hole, they shouldn't.

I would maybe revise the phrasing from finding 'happiness' to 'outcome independence.' Being willing to accept whatever happens, which as Christians we know is God's will. We will all bear a cross that doubles as a gift from God, we just don't know what form it will come in. In the meantime do the best you can in terms of finding a woman while maintaining your professional objectives, but despondency is from the demons. You're early-20s, you have easily 10+ years to find a good woman, take heart.

Yes, it's not so much that you can find "happiness" within yourself, but rather that "the kingdom of God is within you" (Luke 17:21). That brings detachment, being okay with unhappiness in a worldly sense. The Scriptures do not say God guarantees happiness if you follow Him, simply that your chances are maximized if you do. Even if you do find a wife, imagine she dies in a car accident and you're back to square one but worse, or she suddenly starts to hate you and abuse you for years. So we have a situation where your worldly goals are 1) not guaranteed to happen, 2) not guaranteed to last even if they do happen, and 3) not guaranteed to bring happiness even if they do last. This is the cold, hard truth of our reality and all we have to do is look at places like Gaza or North Korea to see how fleeting or inaccessible happiness can be. Only the kingdom of God is guaranteed to last.

And I trust that God will help many of us find a good wife, but it may take longer than we want. The Orthodox way has always been either marriage or monasticism, and few are cut out for the latter. But even fewer, if any, are cut out for living in the world unmarried for the rest of their days. He knows our struggles and knows what is best for us to have.

 

[fortyfive]

It is a widespread myth, supported by this materialistic society and even by some psychologists, that in order to be happy, certain conditions must be met first. Believers in it then spend life hoarding things, experiences, women, etc. but never find contentment.
But who said that things are not good right now as they are? What is the threshold for entering happiness? A wife, house, 2 cars, and exotic vacation? Are owners of these things happy forever?

If you lack something you desire, do you truly believe that acquiring it changes your inner dissatisfaction?

We have a limited time here, and we can choose, thank God, how to see the world around us. It is a matter of view, as Jesus taught us.

If you see your situation as bleak, you are right; it is bleak. But if you see it as fine, you are right too, and it is fine. In both cases, you are right.
Wisdom selects to see good things in anything, including things that are objectively not so wonderful.

Longing to have a wife and family isn't bad; God said these things are blessings. But until we don't have it, pushiness and neediness instead of gratitude for what we have been granted so far are only making matters worse.


“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” Epicurus

 

[SeekingGod]

Brother you don't think that perhaps you seeing those bad examples and overcoming them perhaps gives you an even stronger sense of what is right and wrong? I could argue it the other way that maybe those things would mold you into a better man, a better father and husband. I don't mean to tell you how to think or how to feel but from what you have persevered through it sounds to me like you're a very strong Christian man that would raise a strong righteous family.

I appreciate the faith brother. I agree with you, but these issues are very deep rooted and tend to block me from going down the marriage path. I don’t want to turn this thread into my personal story as it was an aside to the theme which was the destruction of modern women. For now, I will pursue deep purification and faith. If I meet a woman along the journey, then I hope I am healed enough to enter into a marriage.

 

[FrancisK]

It is a widespread myth, supported by this materialistic society and even by some psychologists, that in order to be happy, certain conditions must be met first. Believers in it then spend life hoarding things, experiences, women, etc. but never find contentment.
But who said that things are not good right now as they are? What is the threshold for entering happiness? A wife, house, 2 cars, and exotic vacation? Are owners of these things happy forever?

If you lack something you desire, do you truly believe that acquiring it changes your inner dissatisfaction?

We have a limited time here, and we can choose, thank God, how to see the world around us. It is a matter of view, as Jesus taught us.

If you see your situation as bleak, you are right; it is bleak. But if you see it as fine, you are right too, and it is fine. In both cases, you are right.
Wisdom selects to see good things in anything, including things that are objectively not so wonderful.

Longing to have a wife and family isn't bad; God said these things are blessings. But until we don't have it, pushiness and neediness instead of gratitude for what we have been granted so far are only making matters worse.


“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” Epicurus

I came from nothing then went from being young and having the world by the coat tails to losing everything to going back to having it all again.....meaningless materially speaking. I say this all the time and few want to hear it because they think the next superficial thing is all it will take for them to be happy....it does not lead to inner joy and peace in any way it is completely fake just a construct of the devil at its core. The greatest value you have in this world is what you are to the people you love, that comes from God and who you are as a man. The rest is just fluff....

 

[FrancisK]

I appreciate the faith brother. I agree with you, but these issues are very deep rooted and tend to block me from going down the marriage path. I don’t want to turn this thread into my personal story as it was an aside to the theme which was the destruction of modern women. For now, I will pursue deep purification and faith. If I meet a woman along the journey, then I hope I am healed enough to enter into a marriage.

God bless you brother and i actually very well understand your situation but as you said not to derail this thread I'll just leave it by again saying that your trials I truly believe would make you a very strong husband and father in Gods vision. Keep being the man you are, someone who has as much humility as you is admirable. To me that is exactly what we need in this world, more strong honest Christian men raising families.

 

[Samseau]

Few men realize that getting a woman isn't going to solve your problems, it will be the start of a whole new set of problems. You'll dream of the carefree days of being single again.

Enjoy the time you have and don't look back.

 

[The Penitent Man]

Former ‘Boy Meets World’ Star Says Working In Porn Has Earned Her ‘More Respect’

The actor, who retired from Hollywood in 2007, has exclusively appeared in adult films for the past six years.

www.huffpost.com

This washed up Boy Meets World cast member decided to start doing porn after she turned 40. She says now people in Hollywood have more respect for her and her former cast members are jealous because she gets attention from something other than the old show.

 

[Blade Runner]

This is one of those platitudes that everyone loves repeating, and it seems really meaningful until you actually think about it. What does it actually mean in terms of a concrete course of action to "find happiness within yourself"? Get money and muscles? Get a hobby or a passion project? Sure, those things are all great, but I have not found that they can fill the wife-and-kids-shaped hole in my heart.

My hobbies don't fill it. Computers are my craft, and I find meaning and money in it, but it doesn't fill it. Money and the gym definitely don't fill it. Faith fills an entirely different hole. I am still a very lacking neophyte, so maybe if I just practice the faith harder and for a long enough period of time. I don't know.

It also comes to the issue of why God created a helpmate for man, as well - yes men are more able to be alone for many reasons, but it's not good for him to be alone, as a general maxim.

 

[PurpleUrkel]

Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz (jew) subtly calling out women in 1993 for aborting their unborn babies in the song Murder Of One. Sad to see that not much has changed.

 

[Maddox]

Brother you need to find happiness within yourself before anything

People who say things like this don't place women high on their list of important things in their life.

And what exactly does finding happiness within yourself even mean? Basically, you're saying learn to be happy by yourself before finding a woman. And that just makes no sense at all. It's like telling someone who lives to make music playing piano to learn to be happy without music in his life before buying that piano.

Few men realize that getting a woman isn't going to solve your problems, it will be the start of a whole new set of problems. You'll dream of the carefree days of being single again.

Enjoy the time you have and don't look back.

Sure, you'll have new problems. But I'd gladly take that new set of problems over loneliness. Like the saying goes, "You're single and lonely or married and bored." I'd rather have the latter because the former is bad for your social life and bad for your health. Maybe if I was in my 20s and still had all my friends around it would be different. But I'm over 50 and my "friends" are guys in my church group who I see maybe twice a month. Our shared interest is Christ and that's about it.

 

[Douglas Quaid]

I've been through this as well and that mindset generally makes a man more desperate and needy. Women can usually sense this as well.

Francis and Samseau gave really good advice.

 

[FrancisK]

People who say things like this don't place women high on their list of important things in their life.

And what exactly does finding happiness within yourself even mean? Basically, you're saying learn to be happy by yourself before finding a woman. And that just makes no sense at all. It's like telling someone who lives to make music playing piano to learn to be happy without music in his life before buying that piano.


Sure, you'll have new problems. But I'd gladly take that new set of problems over loneliness. Like the saying goes, "You're single and lonely or married and bored." I'd rather have the latter because the former is bad for your social life and bad for your health. Maybe if I was in my 20s and still had all my friends around it would be different. But I'm over 50 and my "friends" are guys in my church group who I see maybe twice a month. Our shared interest is Christ and that's about it.

I explained in more detail as to what I meant after that post, others chimed in as well.

Your happiness shouldn't depend on someone else, that mindset will do nothing but lead to bigger problems that's a recipe for some substantial life devastating disaster. Something you enjoy, such as music in your example, is not the same as counting on another human being to make you happy, the example doesn't apply at all I don't see how you can make that correlation.....humans are not hobbies or objects of distraction, or at least they shouldn't be.

My intention wasn't to touch a nerve, I was merely offering some perspective coming from someone who has been in the very same position you are striving to be in. I'll elaborate if you would like but I don't think you're looking for that.

 

[Maddox]

I explained in more detail as to what I meant after that post, others chimed in as well.

Your happiness shouldn't depend on someone else, that mindset will do nothing but lead to bigger problems that's a recipe for some substantial life devastating disaster. Something you enjoy, such as music in your example, is not the same as counting on another human being to make you happy, the example doesn't apply at all I don't see how you can make that correlation.....humans are not hobbies or objects of distraction, or at least they shouldn't be.

My intention wasn't to touch a nerve, I was merely offering some perspective coming from someone who has been in the very same position you are striving to be in. I'll elaborate if you would like but I don't think you're looking for that.

I would love to see a list of the top 5 most important things in your life. I'd bet that women are not even in the top 3.